


hey, let's go dancin'

by Mr_Phich



Series: everyone needs a chance to be small [19]
Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Brain Damage, Bucky Barnes Needs a Hug, Daddy!Steve, Diapers, Injury Recovery, Little!Bucky - Freeform, Mind Control Aftermath & Recovery, Neurodivergent Bucky, Non-Sexual Age Play, Occupational Therapy, Physical Disability, Speech Disorders, Swimming Pools, Therapy, Wetting, little!Clint, sensory processing disorder, social skills
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-18
Updated: 2017-04-30
Packaged: 2018-08-31 15:19:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 30,492
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8583367
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mr_Phich/pseuds/Mr_Phich
Summary: Not bad, just different. (The one where Bucky sees an Occupational Therapist).





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Extra super thanks to WhatEvenAmI for believing in Isaac (and me), for talking disability representation and issues well into the night, for encouraging adorable shenanigans, and just generally being totally awesome.

  
_Said my feet, "Hey, let's go dancin'."_

 

_Said my tongue, "Let's have a snack."_

 

_Said my brain, "Let's read a good book."_

 

_Said my eyes, "Let's take a nap."_

 

_Said my legs, "Let's just go walkin'."_

 

_Said my back, "Let's take a ride."_

 

_Said my seat, "Well, I'll just sit right here,'Til all of you decide.”_

 

“Time to get out bed, buddy. We’ve got OT this morning.” Bucky groaned and rolled over clumsily, smushing his face into the pillow. He was in the not-quite-awake stage where he was both little and big, ready to tip either way based on what else was going on. Steve had let him laze about in bed for a good ten minutes now while he bustled around getting ready for the day.

“Dun’ wanna.” Bucky told Steve. Steve sat down beside him, the bed bouncing with his movements. Steve rubbed a hand down his back, soothing and strong. Bucky’s body was still waking up, starting at his center, and the gentle pressure helped. He turned his head a little to look at Steve. He didn’t want to go to OT. He didn’t want to meet someone new and have them look and judge and evaluate and tell Steve how broken he was. Steve already knew how broken Bucky was.

“Don’t want OT.” Steve’s face fell a little - sad and frustrated and maybe even a little annoyed. Bucky quivered, deep inside, always afraid that it was this one thing he’d done that would send Steve running for the hills, finally realizing that Bucky wasn’t worth it.

“Buck, I thought we agreed with Annie that we were gonna give it a chance, huh? Let’s just try, okay? I think you’ll really like Isaac.”

“No,” Bucky said. It probably came out a bit petulantly since he was rubbing his eyes and still had his pacifier in his mouth. He blushed a little and tried to sit up. The angle was weird and his body twisted strangely, and he wobbled as he tried to turn to get into a better position. Steve helped with gentle hands, but his gaze was pointed. Bucky blushed a little harder, ducked his chin into his chest.  He heard Steve sigh. Bucky felt tears welling. He wanted to be good for Steve. He wouldn’t be good at OT. He would be very very bad at it.

“Let’s not think about OT right now, okay? Let’s get you changed for the day and then we can have banana pancakes for breakfast,” Steve said, voice coaxing. Bucky pursed his lips but nodded.

“I change myself,” Bucky said, scooting for the edge of the bed, setting his pacifier on the bedside table. Steve backed off easily, turned to Bucky’s cupboard to pick out clothes for the day. Bucky hesitated at the edge of the bed. It wasn’t a good day when it came to his body, because that would just be too fucking easy. He couldn’t feel exactly where his legs ended and his arm felt very very long. He thought that his feet were on the floor so he pushed up to standing. It took a minute for sensation to catch up with him and let him balance.

Once the ground felt more solid, he walked towards the bathroom to change. The process of getting out of his diaper was irritatingly familiar, but everything else felt as if this body was brand spankin’ new. He sat on the john, totally nude, and threw waves of frustration down at his fucking useless body. Steve came through the open door with a stack of clothes in his hands. He left them on the counter beside Bucky, gave Bucky a pat on the back, and walked back out.

Steve didn’t even think about all those motions when he did them. Bucky bit his lip and reached for the shirt, which Steve always put on top.

Bucky had to think about everything his body did. He’d had to relearn how to put his own t-shirt on, for christ sake. On really bad days he couldn’t even do that by himself. On the worst days he couldn’t tell you if he was wearing a shirt or not. (That hadn’t happened since he came back, but when the soldier lived in his head, sometimes they would take him out in between missions, when they ran their tests, and his body _wasn’t,_ he was just _somewhere else_ and there was nothing, nothing, nothing, he couldn’t move, he couldn’t breathe, he couldn’t talk or taste or smell or touch and there was just a great mass of nothing where his body was supposed to be -)

Bucky forced himself to breathe. “Stevie,” he whispered. It was too quiet for even Steve to hear it, all the way in the other room, but JARVIS would tell Steve that Bucky needed him. Steve appeared a moment later, eyes quietly worried.

“What’s up, pal?” Steve asked from the doorway. He didn’t come to help right away, because Bucky was supposed to ask first if he needed it. That wasn’t why Bucky needed Steve though.

He hadn’t told Steve about how his body felt. He hadn’t told Annie either. It was too hard, too big for words. How did you explain that when someone else filled up your body for so long your body stopped feeling like anything at all. It was better now, because this body was different than the soldier’s body, skinnier and weaker and softer, not to mention the gaping hole where his arm should be.

“I need - draw how my body is, because it’s not- “ Bucky shook his head, frustrated with himself.

“Alright,” Steve said easily. “We’ll need to be quick though, to make our appointment.”

Bucky nodded, but anxiety rose again at the thought of OT. OT would make him do the things the doctors used to make him do - walk across a room, and lift weights, and put on his uniform, and sharpen a knife, and assemble a gun and _he didn’t want to_.  He made the sign for help at Steve who quickly came over. He grabbed a pull up that Bucky hadn’t noticed before from the stack of clothes.

“Isaac’s a new person,” Steve explained, “And we’re probably going to be pretty busy, and you might need to pay attention to different parts of your body. You might not get enough warning.”

Bucky flushed a dull red. It was the fucking truth and it was fucking awful.  

“Ok,” he muttered. Steve gave him a sympathetic but approving look.

“Do you want to try to pee now?” Steve prompted, crouching to slide the protective garment over Bucky’s uncooperative feet.

“Yeah,” Bucky replied. He used the counter to help keep his balance as he got to his feet. Steve lifted the toilet lid quickly and Bucky sat back down. Steve ignored him with the ease of long practice while he brushed his teeth and put on deodorant. It was privacy without being alone - they’d perfected it many many decades ago, when there wasn’t really any personal space to be had.  

Steve dressed him efficiently and kindly. It frustrated the hell out of Bucky. He just wanted to be able to put his own damn clothes on without any help. Steve dropped Bucky’s silicone dog tags over his head and Bucky immediately lifted them to his mouth to chew, replacing his slightly bloody lip. In silence Steve led him over to the bed where Bucky sat down.

Steve slipped rarely worn sneakers onto each of Bucky’s feet, tying them tight and secure, and fuck. Fuck, fuck, fuck. Bucky couldn’t do _anything_. Steve was helping him up before Bucky had any more chance to dwell on how infuriating his body was.

Bucky took his place at the kitchen table and slid the piece of paper and crayons that Steve had gathered up toward him. Bucky bit a little harder on his dog tag to help him focus, concentrated on wrapping his fingers around a blue crayon. He drew a wobbly stick figure in the middle of the page. Far to one side he wrote _me_ . On the other side, much closer to the stick figure he wrote _soldier_ . He drew a line from _soldier_ to the stick figure. The letters came out childish and messy, the line a jagged mess and he pushed the whole paper away so that he didn’t have to look at it.

Steve replaced the paper with a pile of pre-cut pancakes. Bucky kinda glared at them. He was so done with this shit, with needing help for the simplest fucking things. He banged his wrist hard against the side of the chair, just to feel it, just because he could. Steve was beside him in a second, hauling him up, into a hard, tight hug.

It helped. Steve outlined the edges of Bucky’s body, placed it in the world again. Bucky buried his head in Steve’s wide shoulder, tried not to cry.

“What’s something you really want to able to do again,” Steve asked softly. He didn’t say anything about the self-injury, but Bucky was sure that they would have to talk about it later. “Not something practical - something silly, just for you.”

All of the things that popped into his brain were purely practical - dressing himself, cutting his own food, making it to the fucking bathroom.

But. “Dance,” Bucky muttered into Steve’s t-shirt. “I wanna dance.” Bucky glanced up in time to see Steve smiling a little tearfully.

“We’ll work on that, bud. I’ll let Isaac know that’s one of your goals, okay?” Bucky nodded. What with everything else that Bucky couldn’t do it was a really silly thing. But Bucky had really really liked to dance, once upon a time. And he was good at it. Bucky wanted to be good at something again. “Come eat your breakfast. I want to look at your picture and tell you a little about Isaac, okay?”

Bucky slid into his chair. The pancakes were prepared exactly the way he liked them, with lots of butter and syrup. Steve sat next to him, a big bowl of yogurt and granola in hand. He picked up Bucky’s drawing and studied it carefully for several long moments.

Bucky fixed his eyes on his plate and ate methodically. He heard the paper crinkle as Steve put it down.

“Do you feel like your body belongs to the soldier?” Steve asked. His voice was calm and collected, though Bucky knew the drawing had probably upset him.

“More him than me,” Bucky affirmed softly. “Cause. He made it do things and I can’t. He could do all - they took it. Steve, they took it.” Bucky choked the words out, anger and grief swirling in their wake. He forced himself to take another bite, to feel the pancakes on his tongue and taste the slight saltiness and warmth of the butter and the melty sugar flavor of the syrup. Those tastes belonged to now and to him and the soldier had never ever gotten them.

“They did,” Steve murmured. He put his hand on Bucky’s arm, squeezed gently, another feeling that belonged just to him and not the ice and the soldier and the guards. Steve belonged to Bucky.

“They took your body and your will and that wasn’t right. Your body belongs to you now. I know it doesn’t always feel that way. But that’s part of why we’re doing OT. So you can learn what it means to be in charge of your own body again.” Bucky nodded, swallowed a lump of pancake he hadn’t quite finished chewing. He studied his plate. He’d finished half and he pushed it back. Bucky didn’t feel hungry, his stomach an ice pit of dread and fear. Steve sighed a little, but didn’t push.

“We’ll keep talking about it, okay bud? I know things are different for you now. I just want you to be happy, that’s all, okay? I’m just trying to do things that will help you be happy and healthy.”

“I know,” Bucky managed, feeling like an ungrateful pile of shit.

“You’ll tell me if I’m not helping, right?” Steve sounded honestly worried. Bucky looked up quickly. Steve’s face was creased with concern and doubt, eyes tight and tense.

“You help,” Bucky tried. He hated seeing Steve look like that. Steve was everything good in Bucky’s life. There was nothing without Steve, nothing at all. “Help lots. I - I’ll try OT. I - Stevie. I love you.” Bucky couldn’t think of any other words, couldn’t possibly hope to encompass everything that Steve was and did for Bucky into measly, broken words.

Steve smiled a little, but still looked concerned.

“I love you too,” Steve replied gently. “We’ll work it all out, okay Buck? I know we can do it.” Bucky nodded. Bucky didn’t believe in his own ability to do much of anything, but Steve could change the course of the moon if he wanted. “Let’s talk about OT, alright?”

Bucky nodded, though the ice curved it’s way up his spine. He couldn’t even manage playing with Clint a lot of the time. He wasn’t sure what Steve expected from this. Bucky couldn’t go to the gym and lift weights or jump rope or box. He was just going to fail.

“I’m really excited about working with Isaac,” Steve said. “I did a lot of looking and I actually found Isaac through a site where people who age play can connect to each other.”

Bucky’s whole world turned around and stopped. _What._

Steve must have read his complete and utter confusion. He smiled a little. “Yeah. It’s pretty amazing - how you can connect with all these people who you never could have found otherwise. There’s a whole online community of people like us.”

Bucky didn’t know how to process that. Factually he thought maybe he knew there were others out there who were little. But it wasn’t something he’d spent a whole lot of time thinking about. He was little because - well. For lots of reasons. But he hadn’t thought about other people being little like he and Clint were little. The thought made his brain swirl in confused circles.

“Isaac’s little?” Bucky asked, looking up at Steve with wide eyes.

Steve shook his head a little. “No, Isaac’s a daddy. His girlfriend is his little.”

The fuck? Bucky didn’t know what to think about any of this. “His girlfriend?” He echoed. That was...kinda weird. Because how could someone be your daddy and your partner? How could someone who changed your diapers and fed you dinner and tucked you in also be your sexual partner? It was just - the roles were so different, Bucky didn’t _understand._

“Yeah,” Steve said. “A lot of people have relationships like that, where their caregiver is also their romantic partner.”

“But - Clint and Phil and we aren’t -” Bucky’s words fell out of his mouth in a messy pile.

“Not all people do it that way,” Steve said softly. He took Bucky’s hand, held it loosely. “There are a lot of different ways relationships can look. And as long as everyone has agreed and they talk about their yeses and nos, it’s okay.” Bucky sorta nodded at that. Steve was right, of course. As long as it was what Annie called healthy and consensual, people could do what they wanted. Just because it confused the hell out of Bucky didn’t mean it was wrong.

“Okay,” Bucky whispered, squeezing Steve’s hand. Steve squeezed back. “Okay.”

“I picked him because I want you to be comfortable going to OT big or little. And I thought it might be good, for you to know that there are other people like us out there.”

Bucky sorta doubted there was anyone quite like them out there, but he got what Steve was tryin’ to say. Still, he wasn’t exactly sure how he felt about meeting someone else who was _like them_. Because what if Bucky did it wrong? Bucky did most things wrong, and he didn’t need someone tellin’ him that he was doing the only thing that made him feel safe wrong. But he was glad he could be little. Being little always made things easier.

“Can I be little today?” Bucky managed, though his brain was already going soft and fuzzy around the edges, already wanting to shift into the safe space where he could put it all in Steve’s hands and just _trust._

“Of course you can, buddy.” Steve watched him carefully. Bucky closed his eyes. Sometimes it took a little bit and sometimes it happened all at once, often without his permission. But this morning had been an in between morning anyway and he hadn’t quite settled into a firm space in  his head (sometimes that took all day to do and he just felt like a tornado, round and round and round). Little was easy to find right then. He blinked open his eyes.

“Hi baby,” Daddy murmured, smiling a little.  Bucky wiggled in his seat for a second before getting up and walking over to Daddy. Daddy scooched his chair back so that Bucky could climb into his lap. He curled up close to Daddy’s chest and breathed him in, started letting all the parts of him settle down again.

“Can you do a couple more bites of your breakfast?” Daddy asked. Bucky shook his head. His tummy hurt and was all nervous. He felt like he’d eaten worms instead of pancakes. Daddy sighed a little, but stood up. Bucky held on tight as the ground got further away, keeping his arm looped around Daddy’s neck. Daddy put the breakfast dishes in the dishwasher and walked out to the living room. He picked up Bucky’s bag with his free hand.

“Alright baby, you ready to go meet a new friend?” Bucky sorta shrugged. He didn’t really like new people but he knew he had to go to OT. “I think we’ll have fun,” Steve soothed as they walked towards the elevator. The elevator ride took too long, giving Bucky too much time to worry in.  By the time the doors opened he was trembling in Daddy’s arms. His whole body felt cold and icy and he didn’t wanna be there, he really didn’t.

“Hi Isaac,” Daddy said. His voice rumbled against Bucky’s cheek. Bucky squeezed his eyes shut and tried to move even closer to Daddy. Maybe if he pretended hard enough Isaac would disappear.

“Hi Steve! And this must be Bucky! Hi Bucky!” Isaac had a nice voice. It was warm and smooth and a little fuzzy. It made Bucky feel less afraid.

“He’s feeling a little shy this morning,” Daddy said softly. He didn’t sound sad or mad or disappointed. He used his _you’re pretty cute_ voice.

“New people can be pretty scary,” Isaac said. He sounded like he was smiling. Bucky turned his head just a little so he could see what Isaac looked like. He was shorter than Daddy - maybe even shorter than Clint. He was little enough that he wouldn’t be able to hurt Bucky, not at all. Bucky felt some his muscles relax and he turned his head a little more. Daddy rubbed his back just right.

Isaac smiled at him and waved. Bucky just kinda squeaked and blushed. He couldn’t decide whether he wanted to say hi or not and his hand was busy holding onto Daddy, so he couldn’t wave either. But Isaac didn’t seem like he minded, just smiled at him. Isaac had light skin like Daddy, but brown hair in big curls on top of his head. He had freckles too, all over his face. Bucky hadn’t ever seen somebody with so many freckles.

“Mr. Stark did an amazing job with the therapy room - I don’t even recognize some of the things in there!” Isaac said, he turned, walking along the wall and down the hall that led off the gym. Bucky had never been down there before, but he knew there were a bathroom and showers. They went into a different room, though, and Bucky’s eyes went big and wide.

It was really, really, cool. Bucky didn’t know where to look first. The floors were covered in colorful mats and the walls were painted blue with big fluffy clouds. There was a big swing and a climbing structure and a rock wall and giant balls and a pit full of _balls,_ a whole _wall_ of crayons and markers and paper and art supplies. And under the climbing structure, Bucky could see a little cave filled with pillows.

He squirmed so that Daddy would put him down. Daddy chuckled and Bucky stumbled towards the little cave. His feet felt funny in the unfamiliar sneakers and he almost tripped a coupla times. The last time he fell to his knees and crawled the last couple paces.

The cave was even better than he thought. It was dark and cozy and and the pillows pushed against his skin in a real good way. And he could lie in it so he could see the rest of the room. He kinda really wanted to go explore. He wished Clint was there to play with him, because he thought Clint would love this room a whole lot. OT couldn't be too bad if it happened in a place like this, Bucky figured.

He peeked his head out of the safe spot. Isaac and Daddy were sitting by the door, taking their shoes off. Bucky wiggled his toes - he wanted to take his shoes off too. And then Isaac got two little seats with wheels on them and Daddy and Isaac lay on them on their bellies and scooted around the floor and they looked _so_ silly that Bucky had to giggle.

But he also kinda wanted to try. It looked like a lotta fun. He crept slowly out of his cave - there was a purple scooter thing waiting for him. Bucky looked carefully over at Daddy and Isaac and copied them. But it was actually kinda tricky - his body wanted to tip and spin all over the place and he had to use his arms and legs and belly all together to make him go where he wanted.

When he got a little closer to Daddy and Isaac, Daddy rolled a ball to him. Bucky rolled it right back, even though that made the scooter slip around. Soon, he was rolling the ball to Daddy _and_ Isaac and it was actually a real fun game. After a while, Bucky’s arm started to get tired and he slid back onto his knees to take a rest.

“ I want to play in the ball pit!” Isaac said with an excited grin. Buck wondered if maybe Daddy got it mixed up and Isaac _was_ little. He liked to play a lot more than most grown ups Bucky knew. He was bouncy, like Clint, and bounded over to the ball pit. Daddy helped Bucky to stand up and they followed Isaac over.

The balls went all the way up to Isaac’s chest. Daddy slipped Bucky’s shoes right off his feet and Bucky curled his toes in and out for a minute. He didn’t think he liked shoes very much. He looked back at Isaac, who was pretending to swim in the balls. Bucky wiggled excitedly and turned to look at his Daddy.

“Throw me in?”

Daddy grinned, big and wide and lifted Bucky up. He started to count and swing Bucky - on three Bucky flew through the air and crashed into the balls. For a minute, all the air rushed out of his lungs and it was dark and he was maybe a little scared, but the balls didn’t feel like anything bad and Bucky heard Isaac and Daddy laughing and then Daddy lifted Bucky by the arm pits and got his head up over the balls.

Bucky started to giggle. His body felt loads better now, a good kinda tingly and not all long and floppy, like when he woke up.

After the ball pit, Isaac asked Bucky if he wanted to play Simon Says. Bucky had never played that game before, but neither had Daddy, so it was okay. Isaac taught them the rules and then made them do lots of silly things. Bucky couldn’t do everything - like hop on one foot or spin in a circle a bunch a times in a row - and some things were kinda hard, liking touching his nose with his eyes closed or balancing on one foot.  But it was okay because it was just a game and Daddy was bein’ real goofy - touching his eye instead of his nose or wiggling his ears when Isaac said to wiggle his toes.

Bucky laughed and laughed.

When Isaac finally said that OT was all done for the day Bucky couldn’t hardly believe it - he’d had so much fun and his body felt really, really good. And Daddy was smiling so wide and his cheeks were pink and his eyes were very happy. Bucky felt like he’d done a real good job - Isaac even said so.

“You did a great job today, Bucky!” Isaac cheered while Daddy helped Bucky put his shoes back on. Bucky kinda blushed and he smiled his best smile at his knees. Isaac crouched down. When he smiled there were little holes in his cheeks. Isaac held out a sheet of stickers with Daddy’s shield on them. “Would you like to pick a sticker for doing such good work?”

Bucky didn’t think they’d really done any work at all but the stickers were really neat and he wanted one. He pointed to the one in the middle - it was big and shiny. Isaac grinned again and peeled off and then he pressed it to Bucky’s forehead! Bucky blinked and then giggled.

Isaac bopped him on the nose. “When you get home, take that off your forehead, okay? Your daddy will have a special sheet for you to put it on. When you’ve got five stickers you can choose a prize - maybe bringing your brother down to play?” Bucky nodded really quick. Clint would love love love this room. Isaac laughed and stood back up. Daddy scooped Bucky into his arms and Bucky pressed close. He was a little sweaty and sleepy, but in a real good way. He waved bye to Isaac when they left.

OT was pretty fun, he decided.

*

Bucky really wanted to bring Clint the next time they went to OT, but Daddy said he hadta wait until he had five stickers. Bucky thought that would take too long, but he followed the rules and didn’t pout cause he wanted to be good for Daddy. But then Daddy told Bucky that today they were gonna go swimming and Bucky forgot all about being disappointed that Clint couldn’t come. Bucky really, really liked the idea of goin’ swimming, cause he figured it would be like a giant bath.

Bucky was little first thing this morning cause he’d been big for a really long time the night before, when he went to visit with Clint. But Daddy didn’t get out Bucky’s usual little clothes - instead he pulled stuff out of the closet.

Daddy had got him a Nemo swimsuit - there were shorts and a shirt (so that Bucky didn’t have to show Isaac his scars) and Bucky thought that was pretty cool. But then Daddy started putting Bucky’s swim shorts on.

“No pull up?” Bucky whispered. Daddy looked up at him, surprised, and Bucky blushed. He didn’t usually like to wear pull ups - he wore them when he hadta be around people other than Daddy or Clint, but if he was just home he liked wearin’ just undies instead. But today they were going to see Isaac and Bucky didn’t want Isaac to know and he especially didn’t want Isaac to see him have an accident. That would be the worst ever. Then Isaac really would know how broken Bucky’s body was and he probably wouldn’t ever want to come play again.

Daddy gave him an _it’s okay_ smile. “If you wear a pull up in the pool it’ll just soak up all the pool water, roo.”

Bucky squirmed a little. He didn’t want that to happen but, but - “what if I hav’accident?”

“It’s okay if you pee in the pool, bud, it’ll get cleaned, and there’s special chemicals to keep it from getting icky until it can.”

“But Isaac!” Bucky whispered, appalled. He couldn’t just _pee in the water._ It was icky and gross. Plus, what if he peed when he wasn’t in the pool? Isaac would _know._

“Oh baby,” Daddy finished pulling Bucky’s shorts up and settled him in his lap. Bucky snuggled close. “I think you’ll be just fine - you were dry last time, remember? But how ‘bout this - we’ll take a quick potty break halfway through OT, just to be careful.”

Bucky nodded. That plan made him feel a little better.

“But, roo, Isaac would never ever be mean to you about your accidents. Lots of people who go to OT have problems making it to the bathroom on time. Plus, he’s a daddy. Lots of littles wear pull ups and diapers.”

Bucky blushed and bit his lip. Daddy reached over to the bedside table and got Bucky a paci instead.

“Does - does his little?” Bucky mumbled around his pacifier.

“I don’t know, bud. You can ask, but it might be something she likes to keep private.” Daddy rearranged Bucky in his lap and started tugging Bucky’s swim shirt on. It was tighter than the clothes Bucky usually wore, but he kinda liked that, because it reminded him where his body ended. Daddy changed into his swimsuit while Bucky went to the bathroom. When they left, Daddy brought a big bag with towels, a sippy cup with juice, and a paci.

Isaac was wearin’ his swimsuit too, when they got downstairs. It had sailboats on it and wasn’t nearly as cool as Bucky’s. But it was better than Daddy’s, cause Daddy’s was just plain blue which wasn’t fun at all. Bucky still got a little shy in front of Isaac, even though he knew Isaac was nice and didn’t mind that he was little or anything. Isaac was still a new person, and that made Bucky feel nervous all the way in his tummy. But it was okay cause Daddy was there and Bucky knew that Daddy wouldn’t let anything bad happen.

“Good morning, Bucky!” Isaac said, with a big smile.

“Hi,” Bucky whispered, glad that his voice decided to work this morning. He wanted Isaac to know that he liked him, and that he wasn’t as scared as last week.

“Your daddy told me that you really love the water! Is that right?”

“Yuhuh,” Bucky mumbled.

“I thought we might try the pool today. I see you’re all ready to go - is that a Nemo swimsuit?”

“Yeah,” Bucky smiled, he turned his body away from Daddy’s a little, so Isaac could see better.

“That’s really awesome, Bucky! You make a great Nemo.” Bucky blushed and hid his face in Daddy’s chest. Daddy was still wearin’ his t-shirt, but it wasn’t one of the special ones made to go in the water like Bucky’s, so Bucky thought he’d probably take it off before they went in the pool.

This time they didn’t get to go to the OT room, which was kinda sad. Instead, they went into a different room, where there was a big, long pool. Bucky could sorta remember bein’ in a pool before, a long, long time ago, back when his daddy was just _Steve_ and was still little. It wasn’t anything like this pool, though.

“Pretty snazzy, huh?” Isaac said. He led them over to one of the walls where he had a bag of toys and a couple weird belts with big pads on them. Daddy put his bag down there and carefully set Bucky on the ground. Bucky held on tight, cause the floor was a little wet and that might make it slippy. Bucky turned to look at the pool and had to take a deep breath. His feelings were doin’ a funny thing where he was real excited and real nervous at the same time. The pool was a lot bigger and deeper than the bathtub and he could slip and fall under and -

Bucky really didn’t like to get his face wet.

Isaac picked up one of the funny lookings belts and held it up for Bucky to see.

“These are swim floats - they’re meant to help people float in the water. Your daddy and I would like you to use one at least the first couple times we go swimming, is that alright?” Bucky glanced over at Daddy, who had a calm, but serious look on his face. That’s the look he got when he really wanted to hear Bucky’s opinion even though he wasn’t gonna change his mind.

“M’not a baby,” Bucky whispered.

“Of course you’re not, roo,” Daddy said right away. “But this is a new activity and we want to make extra sure you’re going to be safe, okay? And it will help keep your face above the water unless you want to put it in.” Bucky bit a little harder on his lip. That _was_ good, but he felt like he should be able to swim without the special floatie belt. Daddy hesitated a minute, and then said, “There’s also still some metal in your body, from when you had your arm, and that could make it harder for you to float or swim. This will help with that.”

Bucky winced. He didn’t like to think about his arm, not at all. He didn’t like to think about his old arm, before he lost it. He didn’t like to think about having no arm at all. But he especially didn’t like to think about his metal arm. That arm belonged to the soldier and the soldier did horrible things with it and then they had to take it out of Bucky’s body and now his shoulder was weird and sometimes hurt and the skin got funny -

Daddy’s hand on Bucky’s back reminded him to breathe.

“Okay. I - uh, I wear it.”

“Thanks Bucky,” Daddy said, with a small smile. Daddy took the belt from Isaac and strapped it around Bucky’s body, tightening it so it lays flat. The padded, floatie part pressed all along his back. It made Bucky feel a little uneven to have it just on the back, made his body want to tilt backwards.

“Can I have one for my front too?” Bucky asked, in a tiny voice. Daddy just smiled and nodded and helped him put it on, but Isaac wanted to know why.

“Feel topsy-tipsy,” Bucky mumbled, glancing up at Isaac. “Cause need it on both sides.”

Isaac smiled, but his eyes looked serious and thoughtful. “That makes sense, kiddo.”

He sounded like it actually did make sense, so Bucky tried not to worry too much that he’d said something wrong or bad. Isaac had them start by just sitting by the stairs into the water and putting their toes in. The water was warm and Bucky got bored of just puttin’ his toes in and shoved his legs in all the way to the knees, splashing Daddy and Isaac on accident. But they just laughed.

“You wanna sit on the first step?” Daddy asked. Bucky nodded quickly. He braced himself on Daddy’s leg and slid down onto the first step. He smiled and kicked his legs out. He watched the water ripple and leap and dance under his touch and laughed a little. He turned back to his Daddy, “all the way now?”

Daddy laughed. He stood and walked down into the water and held out his arms. Bucky scooched forward and put his feet down. The float helped his body come up and Daddy helped him find his balance.

Bucky’s body felt almost right for the first time in a long, long time. The water told him where it was and it wasn’t so hard to move and it was easy to find his fingers and his toes. He smiled big and bright at his daddy, who smiled right back.

Isaac came up next to them - he was grinning too. “What do you like about the water, Bucky?”

Bucky had to think real hard for a minute to make the words come right. “Cause the water tells me where my body is, cause it’s always pressin’, just a little and that tells me.”

Isaac’s eyes lit up a little. “Thanks for telling me that Bucky! That helps a lot - I think I have some new ideas we can try next week for ways we can help with that out of the water.”

Bucky smiled at the water, a little shy, but mostly feelin’ warm and good and proud of himself. Daddy pressed a kiss to the side of his head and Bucky felt even better.

For a while, Isaac just let Bucky do what he wanted, so Bucky walked around (with Daddy close by, just in case) and splashed a lot, but didn’t go any deeper than his belly button.

“You ready to play some games, kiddo?” Isaac asked. Bucky nodded - he had really liked the games they had played last week.  Isaac brought over the bag from earlier and set it by the side of the pool. The first thing he pulled out is a long tube of bright orange foam.

“This is a noodle!” Isaac said. “I want you to hold onto it as tight as you can and your daddy is going to pull you around in big circles, okay?” Bucky nodded excitedly, it sounded like a lot of fun!

But it turned out that he had to lie on his belly to hold onto the noodle the way Isaac wanted him too and that made him feel nervous, like maybe his face might go under the water. Bucky kept trying, but he had to keep tipping back up to his feet, because he felt like his whole body might just flop over.

“Hmm,” Isaac said. He slipped back into the water, coming a little closer to them. “Let’s try just a little floating first, okay?” Bucky bit his lip and ducked his chin. He wasn’t doin’ as good as last time, he didn’t think, and now he felt nervous that Isaac might get real frustrated with him.

“Steve, why don’t you stand right behind Bucky - yup, just like that.” Daddy came up behind him while Bucky looked at Isaac. Even though Isaac was thinkin’, there was still a little smile on his face. Bucky liked that. “Is it alright if I touch you, Bucky?”

Slowly, Bucky nodded, though he pushed a little closer to his daddy first. Isaac smiled a little bigger, but didn’t touch him right away.

“Alright Bucky - you lean right back against your daddy, okay?” That was easy; Bucky pressed his shoulders back into Daddy’s chest. “And Steve, could you hook your right arm under Bucky’s right shoulder and support his left shoulder with your other hand - perfect. Now, Bucky, I’m going to put my hands right under your knees and help you walk away from your daddy until you start floating, okay?”

Bucky bit his lip, but it was hard to feel too scared with Daddy pressed so close. He did a tiny little nod. Isaac crouched until the water was almost up to his neck and put his hands under Bucky’s knees, just like he said he would. Isaac’s hands were a lot smaller than Daddy’s, but maybe about the same size as Clint’s, and it felt weird to have someone other than his family touch him. But not _bad_ weird, just weird.

Isaac walked back real slow, pulling Bucky with him. The further away he got from Daddy, the less firm the ground felt, but Isaac’s hands helped. When they far enough away that Bucky was starting to stretch and was just touchin’ the ground with his tip toes, Isaac pressed _up_. And then Bucky was floating.

His body felt so light and easy to move and good, even though there was water tickling his chin and the sides of his face.

“Great job Bucky!” Isaac said. His voice bounced around the pool room and Bucky could hear the smile on his face.

“I’m so proud of you, roo,” Daddy added. Bucky wiggled his feet happily, which moved him a little in the water. Bucky quick brought his hand up to grab onto Daddy’s elbow, just to make sure.

Isaac laughed. “I think we’re ready for the next step. Steve, slowly take your right arm away until it’s just your hand under his shoulder, just like on the left.” Bucky whined and held on harder - that sounded scary.

“It’s alright, baby,” Daddy soothed. “I’ll be right here - we’re not gonna let anything bad happen.”

“You’re doing a really great job, Bucky,” Isaac added. “I wouldn’t ask you to do something unless I thought you could do it, I promise.”

Bucky took a deep breath. “Okay,” he whispered. Daddy moved really, really slowly until he just had his hands pressed Bucky’s shoulders. Isaac was standing between Bucky’s legs, still holding up his knees. Bucky kinda pressed his lower legs into Isaac when Daddy got further away, just to make sure someone was gonna catch him if he started to go the wrong way.

“You’re showing a lot of courage, Bucky,” Isaac said. Bucky blushed and felt warm go all the way down into his tummy. He hadn’t felt brave in a really, really, really long time.

“My brave boy,” Daddy said in his _I love you and I’m so proud of you and I’m so glad you’re my boy_ voice.

“Can you reach your arm out away from you, Bucky?” Bucky tried, but the side where he didn’t have any arm started to dip any time he did, and that felt too scary. “Oh - okay, never mind. Keep it just like you had it. Instead, can you straighten out your legs?”

Bucky could do that.

“Awesome! Now, I’m going to try to move my hands down to your ankles, but you let me know if it starts to feel too scary, okay?” Isaac moved just as slow as Daddy had, but he didn’t make it all the way to his ankles. Bucky got scared when he got too far from his knees, so Isaac kept his hands right under the thickest part of Bucky’s calves. But Isaac didn’t get mad that it was too scary.

Instead he said, “I’m super impressed with you, kiddo. You just did something that was really scary for you and floating is really tough. Are you ready to stand up again?”

“Yuhuh,” Bucky said, feelin’ proud of himself and just really good.

“Okey dokey!” Isaac chirped, which made Bucky giggle. “This time, you start, okay? Lower your bum down into the water, and I’ll bring your legs.”

Bucky did just like Isaac said, and even though there were a couple wobbly moments, soon Bucky was standing in the water again. His belly felt a little tired, but in a good way.

“The next thing I want to try is some kicking, okay?”

“Actually -” Daddy interrupted. “Bucky and I need a quick self care break, if that’s alright?”

“Of course!” Isaac said. Bucky frowned - he didn’t know what Daddy meant by a self care break, but he took Daddy’s hand and walked out of the pool anyway, takin’ the steps real slow, just in case. He started to shiver when they got out of the water and his body started feelin’ a little more confused. Daddy wrapped him up in a big towel though, and that helped with both problems. And then Daddy led him over to another door.

“I wanna swim more!” Bucky told Daddy quickly - he didn’t wanna be done. Daddy smiled and chuckled, rubbed a warm hand through Bucky’s wet hair.

“Don’t worry, bud, we’re just takin’ a quick bathroom break, remember?” Bucky blushed and quickly glanced back to make sure Isaac hadn’t heard, but he was goin’ through the bag and mumbling to himself, so Bucky didn’t think he had.

“Oh, right.” Now that Daddy had mentioned it, Bucky did havta pee a little. The door led to a private bathroom with a toilet, a sink, a shower and a dry place to change your clothes. It turned out it was really hard to get wet swim shorts off by yourself, so Daddy had to help, and they both kinda laughed at the way everything was all sticky. Daddy had to help Bucky wash his hand, since there wasn’t any brush, and then Daddy hadta pee too. When they were both all done, they went back out into the room. Bucky didn’t feel so embarrassed, since his daddy had to use the bathroom also.

“M’thirsty,” Bucky realized. Daddy smiled, real proud, at him, because sometimes Bucky didn’t realize (or didn’t wanna drink, because that meant he might have an accident). Daddy brought out the apple juice they’d brought.

They sat at the edge of the pool with their legs dangling into the water while Bucky drank his juice. Soon Isaac joined them, sitting down next to Daddy and dipping his feet in the water too.

It was nice, just to sit there quietly, and drink his juice. When he was done, he put his sippy cup down, turned to Daddy and Isaac, and asked, “Swim more?”

The both laughed and Bucky smiled, big and wide.

Once they were back in the water, Isaac asked Bucky to come over to the side of the pool.

“The next thing we’re going to try is some kicking - I’m going to show you what it looks like, okay?” Isaac held onto the side of the pool with just one hand and then kicked his feet up off the ground, so he was floating on his belly. Then he straightened out his legs and kicked them, sending a big splash into Bucky and Daddy.

“Do you think you can give that a try?” Isaac asked. Bucky bit his lip - he was a little nervous about it, just cause his face would be close to the water, but he thought it would probably be okay, so he nodded. Daddy stepped back, just a little, so that Isaac could get closer to help.

“The floaties will help you keep your body up, but you have to keep your shoulders and face up with your muscles, okay? I’m going to be right here to catch you if you need.” Bucky bit his lip a little harder and nodded.

It looked a lot easier when Isaac did it - it took Bucky a while to get his feet to leave the ground and then to stay up on top of the water. But Isaac and Daddy didn’t rush him and Isaac even lifted Bucky’s knees for him again. Once he was up, kicking turned out to be even harder, cause every time he kicked one leg, the opposite side of his body wanted to fall into the water, especially on the side where he didn’t have an arm.

Bucky felt a little embarrassed about how hard it was, but Isaac and Daddy cheered him on, and it did get easier. Bucky’s breath started to come faster and his heart was pounding in his chest, but not in a scary way like panic attacks or when he got real upset. Instead it made his body feel warm and tingly.

“Fantastic!” Isaac said and Bucky beamed and kicked a little harder. “You go ahead and come down now. We’re going to do one more activity and then OT will be all done for today.” Bucky was a little sad to hear that OT was gonna be done, cause he liked the pool _a lot,_ but his body was startin’ to get real tired too.

“We can come use the pool anytime, though,” Daddy said. Bucky pushed his feet to the ground and slowly stood up.

“Can Clinty come?” Bucky asked, excited. The only thing that would make the pool better would be havin’ his brother there with him. Daddy laughed, sounding happy and relaxed, which made Bucky feel happy and relaxed.

“I think that would be a lot of fun,” Daddy agreed. Bucky grinned and nodded as hard as he could. Isaac and Daddy both laughed that time.

“What are we gonna do now?” Bucky asked Isaac. It was a long sentence, so his voice got a little quiet, but all his words came out just right. Bucky caught Daddy lookin’ surprised and happy and proud and Bucky had to hug the good feelings into his belly, so he could hold on to them forever and ever.

The last activities they did were lotsa jumpin’ around things. Bucky had to jump and bend his knees and jump so that his feet landed apart and then together. He had to lift his knees to touch Daddy’s hand, and then he had to do it with his feet (Daddy held his hand lower so that Bucky’s toes could reach his fingers). And then, at the very, very end, Isaac made Daddy give Bucky a piggy back ride all the way to the deep end and back (at the deepest parts, even Daddy couldn’t touch, and it was a little scary, but Bucky knew that Daddy would never, ever drop him, not ever.)

They hadta get out of the pool then, and Daddy wrapped Bucky up like a big burrito, and Bucky got _two whole stickers_ for all his hard work, and Isaac and Daddy both said that they were so, so, so proud of Bucky.

Bucky was so tired that he fell asleep while they were in the elevator.

*

The next time Bucky had OT, they were tryin’ out a new schedule. Bucky was goin’ to go down with Steve to the Avengers training session and then have OT _after._ So as much as Bucky would have liked to go back to OT little, he really needed to be big, at the very least for the training so that Steve could participate and not have to watch him.

He was supposed to be spending more time big, especially around the team, but it was really fucking hard. Being big was already difficult, but it was harder still around Steve’s friends. Bucky felt pretty unjudgeable while he was little - there was no sayin’ what was him bein’ little and what was just because he was screwed up. But if he spent more time around the team big, they’d inevitably figure out that most of the many pathetic things about Bucky were present even when he was big. And he - fuck. He just wanted them to like him, because they were Steve’s friends, and that meant they mattered. So he’d been workin’ on it, but it was hard and it sucked.

So it wasn’t an easy morning, despite the promise of OT.

Steve did his best, because he always did, and had everything ready to go before Bucky even woke up. Bucky changed and dressed himself in the bathroom, door left open and Steve humming to himself in the bedroom. Steve had laid out sweats and a t-shirt for Bucky. His ability to put on a t-shirt by himself was still frustratingly inconsistent, but he managed it that morning, with a little swearing and wiggling.

Finally dressed, Bucky headed back into the bedroom for help with his sneakers, which were sitting by the bed. Bucky took a seat on the storage bench at the end and Steve immediately turned to him, a soft smile on his face. It sort of made Bucky want to punch him, but at the same time something in him loosened and warmed just by bein’ closer to Steve.

“How you feeling, Buck?” Steve asked as he crouched to slide the sneakers on and tie them in quick, tight knots.

Bucky shrugged. He felt like he’d just gone on the Cyclone after too many hotdogs, but he didn’t think he could put that into words. “Nervous,” he finally said, after a too long pause. Steve’s mouth twitched into a little frown.

“Alright,” Steve said slowly. “Anything I can do to make this feel easier?”

Bucky bit his lip and then, at Steve’s worried glance, fumbled for his dog tags. “I don’t think so - we should just, just go.” Steve gave his shoulder a little squeeze and nodded.

“Let’s have breakfast and get you your meds, and then we’ll head on down, okay?” Bucky nodded, pushed to his feet, using Steve’s arm to brace himself.

Breakfast was oatmeal, loaded up with brown sugar and berries and a spoonful of peanut butter. Bucky liked oatmeal - it was one of his favorite breakfasts, but it was also really fucking difficult. Oatmeal was _messy._ When he was little, Steve often ended up feeding it to him, but when he was big he just ended up getting oatmeal on his shirt and his cheeks and, often times, his pants. He sighed a little and focused on the motions needed to smoothly get the spoon from the bowl to his mouth.

He saw Steve glancing at him out of the corner of his eye and blushed. He was so fuckin’ far from what he used to be and he didn’t understand how Steve could still be so accepting and supportive when Bucky’s body was so messed up. Bucky reminded himself sternly that this was the reason why he had Isaac and OT now, so that someday, maybe, Bucky could do more things, and do them like real fuckin’ adults did.

At the end of breakfast, Steve swept the dishes away while silently handing Bucky a damp washcloth. Bucky carefully used it to wipe off his face and hands, double checking his shirt and pants for splotches of oatmeal. With no evidence of his fucked up coordination dotting his body, Bucky got to his feet and collected the bag that he and Steve had packed up together last night. It held the usual things (a change of clothes, a snack, a drink, a paci, and his dolls), as well as the book he was currently reading and his tablet. Bucky didn’t use the tablet for much besides his notes and questions for Annie, though there were a couple games downloaded that he kept meaning to explore.

It was just - well. Games without Clint couldn’t be half as much fun, he figured. Still, he was goin’ to havta sit for an hour and a half this morning, while the Avengers had their training session, and he’d never been able to focus on a book that long. He was gonna need somethin’ else to do.

Nerves crept up and down Bucky’s spine as they took the elevator down to the gym, but when they arrived, everyone else was already on the other side of the gym. Steve showed him to a quiet corner, clearly already set up for him. There was an oversized arm chair which obviously didn’t belong in the ultra modern gym, a little table, and a bean bag chair.

“You gonna be alright here?” Steve asked as Bucky sat down, pulling the backpack around onto his lap and getting his book and tablet out from the front pocket.

“Yeah,” Bucky said, lookin’ up at Steve with a nervous grin. “You’ll be -” Bucky paused, searching for the word.

“I won’t be far,” Steve agreed. He came in for a quick hug, pressed a kiss to the side of Bucky’s head. Bucky blushed and smiled, feeling a sort of reassuring warmth settle into his skin. “Give a shout if you need me, okay?”

The time passed surprisingly quickly (Steve had downloaded minecraft on Bucky’s tablet because he was a fuckin’ genius.) It was Isaac who interrupted Bucky’s game, actually, though Bucky could see the Avengers wrappin’ up their training on the other side of the gym.

“Hey Bucky,” Isaac said, voice easy. Bucky startled and looked up. His body stayed tense, even though he knew Isaac wasn’t a threat, and he suddenly really had to piss. Bucky glanced over at the Avengers - tryin’ to see if Steve was headed this way. He wasn’t sure where the closest bathroom was or how to excuse himself from a conversation with Isaac.

...the conversation that he really needed to start. “Hi,” he mumbled, feelin’ foolish. This was his first time bein’ big around Isaac and he was a little surprised at how nervous that was makin’ him. Isaac was one of the least threatening people that Bucky knew.

“You ready for OT?” Bucky’s heart skipped a beat. Did Isaac mean _now_ , like, without Steve? Becuase Bucky couldn’t fuckin’ do that, and he wouldn’t leave without Steve, Isaac couldn’t make him.

“Steve,” Bucky protested before he could think to be embarrassed by the fact that he needed Steve there all the fuckin’ time.

Isaac’s face went worried, eyes wide. “Oh - of course, of course Bucky. We’re not going anywhere without Steve. I just meant - how are you feeling about OT today?”

Bucky’s body finally relaxed a little, though the need to pee was startin’ to get a little urgent. He glanced over at the Avengers again. Steve and Clint were walkin’ this way, so that was good.

“Uhm -” Bucky scrambled. What was the question again? “I - um.”  There was a thoughtful little twist to Isaac’s eyebrows that Bucky didn’t like _at all._ Fuck. He was screwin’ this all up now.

Finally, Steve reached his side, put a large, warm hand on his back. Bucky relaxed back into it, even as Isaac watched with that expression like he was studyin’ a wild animal in its natural habitat.

It made ice crawl down Bucky’s spine.

Steve was reachin’ out to shake Isaac’s hand, saying, “Good morning, Isaac. I hope you weren’t waitin’ long?”

“Nope, I just got here.” Steve smiled, turned a little, probably to introduce Clint, but Bucky needed - he needed - Bucky reached out and grabbed Steve’s sleeve. As soon as Steve was looking at him, Bucky quickly made the sign for bathroom.

“We’ll be right back,” Steve said, taking Bucky’s hand and quickly guiding him towards a nearby door. As soon as they were out of hearing range, Steve was sayin’, “Sorry Buck, I meant to show you the bathroom when we got here.”

“S’alright,” Bucky said softly, as they slipped into the bathroom together. It was a single, and Steve turned to leave. “Stay?” Bucky asked in a whisper, face going red. Steve have him a reassuring smile and nodded.

Bucky quickly shed his pants and protection, but sat to piss, feelin’ just a tad too shaky to attempt standing. And shit, when did that get to be his life, that standing to pee was some great accomplishment. Bucky sighed.

“How you doin’, Bucky?” Steve asked, as Bucky shuffled over to the sink. Steve stepped up, and they easily went through the routine of hand washing before venturing out together.

Isaac and Clint had evidently hit it off - they were talking about some video game that Bucky had never heard of (from what he overheard it was probably because they thought it’d be triggering for him).

“You guys all ready for OT?” Isaac asked as they came up.

“Yup, ready to go,” Steve said easily. He leaned down to give Clint a one armed hug. “We’ll see you this afternoon, bud.”

Clint nodded, grinning at them, and gave Bucky a wink. “Have fun at OT, Bucky! See ya later!”

Bucky bit on his dogtags as he watched Clint go. He wished it was already that afternoon so he could be little with Clint and not havta worry about anything. Steve kept an arm around Bucky’s shoulders as they packed up and moved over to the OT room.

“So, unfortunately, I really need to run an assessment today.” Isaac grinned apologetically at them, leading them over to the table. Bucky swore to himself. This was what he’d been afraid of from the get go. Isaac was going to test him and find him wanting, tally up all the ways that Bucky failed at bein’ a human being. Bucky slumped back into Steve, a cold ache setting up in his stomach.

“We just need to get it out of the way while you’re feeling big, as your headspace can definitely affect your motor and perception skills. Once the assessment is out of the way, I’ll better be able to tailor therapy to your needs, okay Bucky? It won’t take long.” Bucky nodded, but only because it wasn’t really like he had a choice. Steve gave him a little grounding squeeze and Bucky reminded himself that he wanted to get better, he wanted to be able to do the things he used to be able to do, and this was all part of that.

“This assessment is a written one,” Isaac pulled over a big box and ruffles through it, pulling out two packets of paper. Bucky’s whole body clenched up - he can’t fuckin’ write. Not _really_. At least - he wasn’t showin’ anyone but Steve what his writing looked like now, it was too embarrassing. “Well - I say written, it’s really multiple choice. You’ll just circle the answer that fits best. I’ve got one of these for you too, Steve, meant for a caregiver to fill out.”

Isaac handed them over. Steve frowned at his. Bucky put it down and refused to look.

“Bucky’s not going to be able to circle these - they’re too small,” Steve said frankly. Bucky’s face went red hot and he ducked his gaze, not wanting to see how Isaac reacted to that.

“No problem,” Isaac said, voice easy, not even sounding surprised. Bucky glanced up - Isaac was rummaging in his box again. “You can just use a highlighter - just mark the answer you want. Will that work?”

Bucky nodded, face still hot. Isaac never seemed shocked or disappointed when Bucky couldn’t do something, and he always had a way to work around it. It eased something down in Bucky’s gut. But it was still embarrassing that he couldn’t do this simple shit - couldn’t hold a pencil well enough to circle something.

Isaac handed over a bright blue highlighter and Bucky turned his attention to the questions. It was hard to stay focused, but the questions themselves were not too challenging. For the most part, the questions asked about his preferences for things - did he like quiet spaces or loud spaces, bland foods or spicy ones. There were some things that were about things he can or can’t do, but they were phrased in a way that didn’t make him feel bad about himself.  That was fuckin’ talent, Bucky figured. Almost everything made him feel shitty about himself these days.

And yup - at the very end, there was a series of questions which made embarrassment flood his entire system. He must have made some sort of noise, because Steve (who was already finished with his questionnaire, turned to him).

“Bucky? Everything alright?”

“I - uh - m’not,” Bucky stopped, because he was just stumblin’ over words and not makin’ any sense. He glanced up and found Isaac and Steve watching him, worried expressions on their faces. “S’private,” he said, jamming his finger at the questions. Steve leaned over to read them.

“Oh,” he said softly. He brought his hand up to rub Bucky’s back. The hot mess of shame in Bucky’s stomach eased a little. “Isaac - could we have a moment to talk privately?”

“Of course,” Isaac said quickly, standing. “I’ll wait outside.”

Once the door had closed, Steve pulled Bucky (and his chair) a little closer for a proper hug. Bucky looked tearfully back to the questions. _Please mark the following questions 1 for strongly  disagree…. 5 for strongly agree._

_When I have to go the bathroom, I feel it strongly and it distracts me from other things._

_I often do not feel when I have to go to the bathroom and am prone to having accidents._

They went on, getting more and more specific, and Bucky _couldn’t_. There had been a series of similar questions about his appetite, but that was hardly the same thing at all. He couldn’t tell Isaac about this problem, he fucking couldn’t. It was bad enough that Steve and Clint and Thor all knew that he pissed himself, that he couldn’t - that he...

“I understand that this feels upsetting, Buck,” Steve said in his most soothing tone. “And that it feels like an invasion of your privacy. But Isaac is your doctor and he needs to know what’s goin’ on with your body so that he can help you in the best possible way. It’s just like Annie, right? Annie knows that you sometimes have trouble with the bathroom because it’s upsetting to you and it’s important that you talk about things that bother you. And Isaac needs to know because it tells him how about how your body works.”

“I don’t want - “ Bucky broke off, swallowed back sobs. He wasn’t little and he was gonna act like a fuckin’ adult. “Fine. Fuck, fine.”

Steve kept him pulled close to his side while Bucky finished the questions, face red, and shame reverberating in every part of his body. When Bucky finished, Steve had JARVIS call Isaac back in.

“All set?” Isaac asked, voice just as easy and calm as ever.

“Yup, we’re both finished.”

“Great! I’m going to take a couple minutes to look these over and score them, and then we can talk about what it tells me and I can share my observations from our first couple sessions and make some recommendations going forwards, how does that sound?”

“Sounds good to me,” Steve agreed, tugging Bucky a little closer. Bucky nodded.

“Great - why don’t you guys explore the room a little, try out the things we haven’t had a chance to use.” Steve nodded and urged Bucky up, herded him over to the climbing structure.

“Clint would love this,” Bucky said, mostly to distract himself from the fact that any minute now, Isaac would know that Bucky was fuckin’ incontinent.

“He sure would.” Steve glanced up. “Want to see what it’s like at the top?” Bucky looked at the ladder dubiously. He was pretty sure that wasn’t something he was gonna be able to manage.

“Go on,” Steve coaxed. “I’ll spot you.”

Bucky sighed but reached out. It turned out ladders were hard enough with just one hand, let alone everything else Bucky had goin’ on and it took him a good minute to get up the side, Steve one step behind him, one hand on Bucky’s hip to help steady him. The top was covered in little pillows that were made to look like rocks. Bucky immediately threw one into Steve’s face. Steve laughed and it quickly devolved into an all out war.

“Is it safe to come up?” Isaac hollered at some point, startling both of them. They laughed at each other and Isaac quickly scaled the ladder to join them up top. He had their questionnaires folder under one arm. “You ready to go over these?”

Steve looked over at Bucky, leaving the answer up to him. Bucky squeezed the pillow he was holding, but nodded. Better just to get it all over with.

“Great!” Isaac said, smiling like it was honestly the greatest thing that he’d ever heard. Isaac sounded that way about a lot of things. “Now, we can do this a couple ways. We can go over each question and the direct results of this particular assessment and then I can give you my overall conclusions, or I can just give you my conclusions as informed by this assessment and our work so far. It just depends on how much information you think you can take in right now.”

The question was directed at Bucky. He fumbled for his dogtags and chewed on them for a moment. He felt like he should hear all the information, but he knew himself well enough to know that he wouldn’t be able to process everything - so, “Just - uh, just yours, please.”

Isaac grinned and nodded, setting the two packets aside. “Alright. So, as you may or may not know, I’ve been in touch with your docs - the ones you saw right when you arrived at the tower and who help you with your meds.” Bucky bit a little harder on his tags, squeezed the pillow, and stared at his lap. He hadn’t properly met those doctors, doesn’t like the thought of them, really. He was okay with Annie now, and with Isaac, but they were a different kind of doctor. “We’ve all talked and looked at your brain scans and agree that you have a traumatic brain injury - we call that TBI because it makes us sound creative,” Isaac winked and Bucky was startled into a laugh. “Your TBI also cause aphasia and dyspraxia.”

Bucky glanced over at Steve, whose lips were pursed as he awaited an explanation. Bucky felt torn - it sounded _bad_. He didn’t want confirmation that it was, he really didn’t. But maybe - maybe it wasn’t as bad as it sounded?

“Aphasia is just a fancy word to say that your brain has some trouble with language. For you, that’s the ability to express language. So even though your brain understands language, you sometimes struggle to produce the right words or sounds, or to organize them into the correct order.”

“That’s a - real thing?” Bucky blurted out, eyes wide. He had thought this was just something that Hydra had done to him, not something that was - well, a real diagnosis, which implied that other people had it, that Bucky wasn’t fucking alone in having his words so fucked up.

“Yeah,” Isaac said, voice understanding. “It is. I know it’s unlikely you want to see another therapist -” Bucky shook his head vehemently. No fucking thank you. “So I’m going to consult with a colleague of mine who’s a speech language pathologist. Don’t worry, Steve, I won’t mention any names or details.”

Bucky laughed at Steve’s protective look. Steve sighed and rolled his eyes, chuckled at himself.

Isaac grinned and winked at Bucky.

“Dyspraxia is a similar condition, but instead of being about speech, it’s about your body - especially your ability to plan and coordinate your movement. There are some definite things we can do to help you organize your body, give you some strategies to compensate for the dyspraxia.”

Bucky was starting to feel a little overwhelmed, he wasn’t gonna lie. It was just - a lot to hear, that he’s got all these disorders, all this shit. Somehow havin’ the fancy names made it feel more real, more permanent, sorta like saying _incontinence_ made Bucky squirm cause it wasn’t just  cause he was little, but because something was fucked in his brain and body. Bucky leaned a little closer to Steve, who immediately scooped him in tight. Bucky wasn’t gonna be able to hold onto big much longer, he didn’t think. It had been a long morning and his head was startin’ to ache with all this new information.

“Just a little longer,” Steve soothed, as if reading his mind. Isaac smiled and nodded.

“This last diagnosis is a little - well. It’s one that we usually diagnose kids with. We don’t really know what causes it, and there’s never been a case of it happening because of trauma, but, you present with all the symptoms, so what the hell. I think that you have a sensory processing disorder. That basically means that you process information from around you in a different way than most people. You may need specific sensory input in order to feel calm or feel capable of doing things. Sometimes certain stimuli might drive you over the edge, while different stimuli can help you feel calm. We’ll have to do a little exploring to figure out what exactly you need for your sensory system to be totally regulated, but I already have some observations.

“You clearly benefit from oral input,” Isaac gestured at Bucky’s dog tags, which were still in Bucky’s mouth, “ and seem to seek proprioceptive input - oh, I’m sorry. That’s another useless fancy word. Your proprioceptive sense is your sense of your body’s position and movement. If you need proprioceptive input, it means that need pressure or firm touch to help you know where your body is and what it’s doing.”

That was so spot on. Bucky gaped a little. “That’s - right, exactly right.”

Isaac smiled. “I’m glad. I think that the SPD diagnosis will really help us find some strategies to help. I’ll give Steve some links and resources. Next time I’ll bring in some of my favorite tools and we can figure out what’s going to work best for you. The one thing is -,” Isaac turned to Steve, “Bucky would probably really benefit from wrist and ankle weights, a weighted vest or blanket, something like that. But I’m guessing that the stuff on the market just won’t be enough, due to his strength.”

Steve nodded thoughtfully, but Bucky was starting to fade, brain going a little fuzzy, feelin’ ever smaller. “I can talk to Tony - he made Bucky’s dog tags, because I figured regular silicone wouldn’t hold up to super soldier gnawing.” Isaac and Steve both chuckled, and Bucky tucked the information away to process later. “I’m sure we can figure something out. But I think I havta to get my boy back home, he’s fading fast.”

The phrase _my boy_ let Bucky know that it was okay to be little, so he promptly slid into that spot in his head. Daddy picked him up and cuddled him close.

“We did a lot of work today,” Isaac agreed. There was a slide off the tower, which they took instead of the ladder. If Bucky hadn’t been so sleepy he would have thought it was pretty fun. Isaac had stickers for Bucky, but Bucky didn’t want Isaac to touch him to put the stickers on his head like he usually did, so Daddy took ‘em instead.

Bucky’s skin felt tired and buzzy, like he could feel everything that had happened to it all day all at once and it kinda hurt a little. He pushed closer to Daddy, who squeezed him good and tight, reminding his body what was goin’ on right then and not to worry ‘bout the rest of it.

“Daddy?” Bucky mumbled, once they’d said goodbye to Isaac and gotten into the elevator. “Daddy, m’brain’s not broken. I got ‘phasia and d’praxia and SPD.”

Daddy hugged him even tighter. “That’s right, baby.”

“Just diff’rent,” Bucky continued, talkin’ into Daddy’s shoulder. “Not bad.”

“Oh, roo, that’s exactly right.” Daddy sounded sad and happy all at once. Bucky could understand that - it was how he was feelin’ too. He was happy, cause his brain wasn’t broken, and Isaac understood just what Bucky’s brain was doin’, which meant it wasn’t wrong. But he was also sad, cause he didn’t want to have a TBI or aphasia or anythin’ else. He just wanted to be Bucky, like he was before.  “It’s nice, isn’t it, to have words to describe how your brain works now?”

“Yuhuh,” Bucky agreed.

“We’re gonna figure it all out, bud. Things are gonna get a lot better now, I can tell.”

Bucky thought Daddy was probably right.

 

_fin._


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SURPRISE. This now has a second chapter. There may be a third? Not super sure.   
> Anyway! Thank you to Remulon and WhatEvenAmI. There should be some recognizable elements in this story.

Clint pushed out of the elevator doors before they were even all the way open. He bounded over to the door of Steve’s apartment. He let himself in, grinning excitedly. Clint let his headspace start to shift once he was safely in Steve’s domain.

The last coupla’ Friday's had been really really great. ‘Cause after Bucky had OT he got real sleepy and had to take a  _ long  _ nap. And that meant that Clint got special Clinty and Daddy time, which he hadn’t gotten since before Bucky came to live with them. It wasn’t that Clint didn’t love his brother - he loved Bucky a lot. A lot, a lot. He was really glad that Bucky had come to live with them. 

But Clint still liked to have time by himself with Daddy. He still missed having Daddy all to himself, just sometimes.  _ And  _ Daddy hadn’t made him take a nap last week at all, and Daddy never ever did that. It made Clint feel all good and happy when Daddy did special things like that, just for him. He was excited for his special daddy time today. 

But when he hopped into the living room, Daddy wasn't waiting for him with a hug like he had been last week and the week before. Instead, he was sitting on the couch, reading on his laptop, face all creasy and frowny. Clint pouted. He liked when Daddy was there with a big hug for him right when he got there. It made him feel real good. 

"Daddy!" Clint whined. "Wanna hug!" 

Daddy looked up, eyes all big and surprised like he hadn't even realized Clint was there. That made Clint feel sad and very very small. Daddy  _ always  _ noticed him, and always said he was the most important thing and if Daddy wasn't noticing him maybe that meant he'd found something more important than Clint and that was just a real scary thought. 

"Oh, Clint! I'm sorry. I was distracted." Daddy closed the laptop and came over to give Clint a big giant hug, so that was alright then. 

"Do we get special Daddy-Clinty time?" Clint asked as he cuddled close. Daddy smelled a little sweaty, prob'ly cause he didn't get to shower after training cause he hadta take Bucky right to OT. 

Daddy smiled at him, pressed a kiss to his forehead. Clint pushed a little closer, smiling real big. Daddy loved him so much and he showed Clint all the time so that Clint could never ever forget how much Daddy loved him. 

"We sure do, baby. Let's get you changed into some comfy clothes." Daddy picked him up and Clint pressed nice and close. Everything felt better that way, especially when Daddy folded his arms around him, keeping him safe from the whole wide world. Daddy had some clothes waiting for Clint on the couch - his favorite dinosaur sweatpants, a tee shirt, and a pull up. He wiggled into his clothes when Daddy held them up for him, even his pull up, cause it was nice, not t'have to worry for a little bit. Once he was dressed, he and Daddy sat down on the couch. Clint got to sit in Daddy's lap, facing him, and for a coupla minutes they just cuddled. 

Bucky needed t'be held a lot. Clint understood, cause Bucky was scared almost all the time and Daddy holding you was definitely the best way to not feel scared anymore. But it meant that Clint didn't get to be held all by himself hardly at all. And sometimes he just really wanted Daddy's lap and hugs to himself. (Daddy said that was okay, that it didn't mean he was selfish or anything, and that all kids wanted special time with their parents). 

"How was your week, lovebug?" Daddy asked, all soft and rumbly. Clint shrugged, moved around a little so he could put his thumb in his mouth. 

"S'okay," he mumbled. Things were still uncomfortable with Tasha, even though they’d tried to fix it,  and that made Clint feel all squirmy in his belly a lot and sometimes those feelings meant he had accidents, specially at night, so he hadn’t been sleepin’ with Phil, and it was harder to sleep all by himself. 

He didn’t really know how to say all that to Daddy right then, though, so he said "I like Isaac," instead, pulling his thumb out of his mouth and wiping it on Daddy's t-shirt. He sat back onto Daddy's knees. Daddy bounced them and Clint giggled. It made his whole body bounce, just a little, and tickled the inside of his tummy. 

"Me too," Daddy said, but his smile wasn't quite so big and there was a little frown between his eyebrows. 

"Is somethin' a'matter?" Clint asked, patting his Daddy on the shoulder. Daddy looked down at him and gave him a little smile. 

"No, I’m alright buddy. Everything's okay. Isaac had some things to tell us about how Bucky's body works now, and I'm just still figurin' it out is all."

"Oh," Clint sighed, frowned a little. He knew Daddy worried about Bucky a lot. And he knew that Bucky was different than before. It was just, he had never known Bucky any other way and even though some things were hard for Bucky, all that seemed real normal to Clint. It was weird to think about a doctor sayin' that there might be things wrong with Bucky. Clint frowned a little harder and slipped his thumb into his mouth. "What did Isaac say?" 

Daddy petted his hair, and said, "I think that's up for Bucky to share, if he wants to, okay?"

Clint nodded, he understood that. Daddy liked to let them choose what they told people and that was real important. It was nice, too, cause a lot of grown ups usta tell other grown ups all about him without askin' permission or even tellin' him they were gonna do it. And then, at SHIELD, he knew all the nurses and doctors and people told Fury and everybody what was happenin' with and that always felt real bad. Clint knew that Daddy would never tell anybody one of Clint's secrets without talking to Clint first. Of course Daddy would do the same thing for Bucky. 

"D'ya needa hug?" Clint asked instead, cause that's what Daddy always does when somethin's botherin' Clint. Daddy smiled, big and sappy. 

"Oh, my sweet boy. I always need a hug from you." Clint threw his arms around Daddy's neck and squeezed, just a little bit. Daddy's arm came up around Clint's body and hugged him in, nice and tight. Daddy kissed the side of his head and murmured, "I'm so glad you're my little boy, Clinty."

"Me too," Clint sighed. Daddy picked him up, all of a sudden, and Clint made a little yelpy noise and giggled. 

"I've got a surprise for you buddy." Daddy said. Clint could hear the smile in his voice and that made him smile too. 

"What is it?" Clint asked, shifting his weight so he could look up at his Daddy as he was carried into the kitchen. "A present?"

"Well, sort of. I found some glitter frosting and I thought you might wanna make cupcakes."

Clint could feel his eyes go big and wide. That sounded like the bestest idea ever, cause glitter was great and cupcakes were greater and frosting was the greatest. "Yeah! Yeah, Daddy! Cupcakes!" 

Daddy smiled at him in a way that made all Clint's bones feel warm and gooey. 

The best thing about cooking with Daddy is that he never minded if Clint made a big mess. He said messes could always be cleaned up and it was more important just to have fun. Clinty agreed. Daddy and Clinty made the batter together, but it was special cause Clint didn't have to share the good jobs with Bucky. He got to pour all the ingredients in by himself and he got to measure and stir. He even got to break the eggs. Clint didn't always do those things when Bucky was cookin' with them. Sometimes that was 'cause Bucky was doin' that job, but a lot of the time it was because Bucky couldn't do somethin' and Clint didn't want him ta' feel bad 'bout any of that, so he didn't do it neither. 

But Clint didn't havta worry about bein' a good brother right now. He could do all the jobs and be Daddy's best helper and that was really nice. Daddy was real silly in the way he couldn't always be when Bucky was around. Bucky needed a lot of things, and sometimes he got hurt or upset if Daddy wasn't payin' real close attention, which meant Daddy didn't have as much energy to be real silly. But right then he was all Clint's and could be as silly as he wanted. So they painted chocolate moustaches on their faces and then licked them off and Daddy put frosting on Clint's nose and then, when the cupcakes were cooking, spun him around and tossed him upside down and tickled Clint until he couldn’t hardly breathe. 

Clint loved his Daddy so much, and he was so, so glad that he’d found him. 

After all the excitement of making cupcakes, Daddy decided that they should do a quiet activity for a little bit, so they got to watch some tv. Usually, they watched Bucky’s favorite shows - Peep and the Big Wide World or Angelina Ballerina. Clint liked Magic School Bus and Little Einsteins better, but he was a good brother so he mostly let Bucky choose anyway. Daddy and Clint watched Clint’s favorite magic school bus episode - the one where Ms. Frizzle’s class went back in time and met real dinosaurs. Clint got to sit in Daddy’s lap the whole time. 

When Bucky woke up he started to cry right away, so Daddy had to get up real quick, but Clint didn’t mind, cause he’d got lots of good Daddy-Clinty time today and now he wanted to play with his brother. He followed Daddy into the bedroom, where he was scooping Bucky up into a big hug. Clint bounced onto the bed and waited while Daddy got Bucky settled down and calm. 

“Hi Bucky!” Clint said, once Bucky was all curled up in Daddy’s lap and his tears were all gone. Bucky yawned and waved at him, so Clint leaned in for a hug. Bucky gave really good hugs. When Clint pulled back, Daddy was smiling at them, big and bright and happy. Clint smiled back, feeling happy all the way down to his bones. “Daddy and I made glitter cupcakes and Daddy says we can have one for snack!” 

Bucky smiled a little bigger and gave a thumbs up. He was prob’ly feelin’ too tired to talk still, Clint decided. That happened sometimes. 

“Clinty why don’t you go potty while I change your brother?” Clint whined a little. He didn’t wanna get up, he wanted to stay on the bed with Daddy and Bucky. But it has been a while since he went to the potty, so he sighed and slid off the bed. He hopped on one foot to the bathroom, just cause he could and it felt good. Daddy and Bucky laughed at him, which felt even better. Clint liked making his family laugh and he liked bein’ silly.

He left the door open cause he didn’t mind if his Daddy and his brother saw him nakey, cause they saw him that way all the time. Plus, that way he could hear Daddy talking quietly to Bucky, which made him feel nice and warm and fuzzy. When he’d peed and washed his hands and came back to the bedroom, Bucky was all changed and in little clothes.

“Cupcake time!” Clint announced, bouncing on his toes. The cupcakes looked really, really good, but they hadn’t had any. Daddy had said they should wait for Bucky. Clint hadn't really wanted too, but he got to lick the bowl, so he decided he could be patient and wait for his brother to wake up. Bucky smiled, real big, showin' all his teeth, and Clint decided it had been a good idea to wait for Bucky. 

Clint tugged Daddy after him by the wrist while Daddy carried Bucky. Clint had made a special cupcake just for Bucky, with a little fish on it, cause Bucky really liked fish. He really liked the ocean, actually. Bucky's favorite movie was  _ Finding Nemo  _ (that was Clint's second favorite) and he even liked boring true movies about oceans and stuff. Daddy said that the water was real calming for Bucky, but Clint sometimes got bored watchin' ocean movies all the time. Still, he was a good brother, so he made a cupcake with Nemo on it. 

Bucky was real excited to see it and gave Clint a hug, which was real nice. Daddy let them have two cupcakes each, which was a lotta sweets - more than Daddy usually allowed for snacks. Daddy was the best daddy, Clint decided as Daddy wiped frosting off Bucky's cheek. 

"What would you boys like to do now?" Daddy asked once they were finished eating. Clint looked at Bucky, cause he'd already gotten to do all his favorite things today, and now it was Bucky's turn. But Bucky looked a little nervous at all the attention, like maybe he was having a hard time choosing. Daddy seemed to know that too, because he said, "Why don't we do a little coloring?"

Bucky nodded a little. He liked to color, even though he was real messy and sometimes his drawings didn't look like what they were s'posed too. Clint figured that people as little as Bucky were probably all a little bit like that. 

"Can we color on the big paper, Daddy?" Clint asked, slipping out of his seat. Daddy smiled and nodded. 

"Sure thing, lovebug. Let's go into the living room and I'll get the big paper out." Daddy helped Bucky out of his seat. Bucky was real wobbly today, so Clint held his hand while they walked into the other room. Daddy rolled out the big paper on the floor behind the couch, so that there wasn't a rug under it to make it hard to draw. Clint liked the big paper cause you could just draw and draw and you didn't havta stop or start new drawin's, because you never ran out of paper, not ever. And with that much paper it meant Clint and Bucky and Daddy could all work together on one big drawin', which was always fun. Sometimes Bucky messed up what Clint wanted to draw when they did that. A couple times he'd got upset about that, but Daddy said that Bucky couldn't help it and so it wasn't fair to get mad at him and that if Clint wanted to draw somethin' without other people adding to it, he needed to have his own paper. Clint had felt really bad cause he'd made Bucky cry and then Bucky hadn't wanted to color at all for a couple days. 

It was easier to be a good brother today, though, cause he'd got his special Clinty and Daddy time, so he felt like he had a lot of love to give Bucky. That was good, cause Bucky was havin' a hard day, Clint could tell. His hand was real shaky and his body kept fallin' one way or another. Daddy sat close to Bucky and watched him real careful, so he wouldn't fall. Clint thought about how Daddy had been distracted when Clint first came up, how he said that somethin' was the matter with Bucky's body. All of a sudden, Clint started to get worried. What if there was somethin' real bad goin' on with his brother? Clint glanced up and watched Daddy and Bucky color for a minute. They seemed normal, Clint thought, not like anythin' scary was comin'. Clint wondered if it would be alright to ask Bucky, now. Daddy hadn't wanted to say nothin' without Bucky's permission, which was good, but Bucky was awake now, so maybe he'd be willin' to share. 

"Bucky?" Clint asked. "Daddy said that Isaac told you about your body, today?"

Bucky sucked a little harder on his pacifier and nodded and Clint watched, real careful, in case Bucky started to get upset, which Clint didn't want at all. 

"Daddy didn't tell," Clint informed. "He said I should ask you."

Bucky hunched his shoulders and curled into Daddy a little. He used his signs to say  _ no words  _ which is what he said when he was havin' a hard time talkin'. He pointed at Daddy and nodded, though. 

"Daddy can tell me?" Clint asked to make sure and Bucky nodded again. Daddy smiled and stroked Bucky's back. 

"Alright," he said softly. "Isaac said that Bucky has a couple things goin' on. He's got a traumatic brain injury, which is like a really bad concussion. The doctors call that TBI. He's also got aphasia, which means he has a hard time talking, and dyspraxia, which means he has a hard time organizing and controlling his body." Clint nodded, all serious, and thinkin' hard. 

"Is dyspraxia like dyslexia?" He asked, cause they sounded sorta the same and Clint had dyslexia - SHIELD had told him that, when he first started there. Before that he'd just though he was real stupid and bad at readin'. 

"They're related, according to what I read," Daddy said, giving Clint a soft smile. Clint crawled over the coloring paper and settled into Daddy's other side, which was a better place for talkin' about serious things. 

"What that?" Bucky asked in a tiny voice, so quiet Clint could barely hear him. Daddy gave him a question face and Clint nodded - Bucky already knew Clint wasn't such a good reader. 

"Dyslexia is a condition which makes it hard for people to read and write - the letters get all mixed up and confusing. Clint has dyslexia."

Bucky looked over at him and Clint felt a little fidgety, even though he knew that was silly cause Bucky would never, ever make fun of him. 

"M'bad words," Bucky mumbled, blushing, but Clint knew what he meant. Clint was bad at readin', but Bucky was bad at talkin'. They were sorta the same. He smiled and nodded, patted his brother's head all gentle like. 

"My good boys," Daddy murmured, hugging them close. 

"SPD," Bucky whispered. "Daddy tell Clint?"

Daddy chuckled a little, which made Clint's belly feel almost as good as if he got another cupcake. "Bucky also has something called SPD, which stands for sensory processing disorder. It means that things that feel one way to you and me might feel much bigger or smaller to Bucky." 

Clint nodded and sat back to think about all that, cause it was kinda a lot. Clint knew Bucky had some problems. He'd never minded - he liked Bucky the way he was. But he didn't really think about those problems as bein' different than just Bucky bein' Bucky. But Clint hadn't known Bucky before, so maybe that was why. He knew that Daddy worried about Bucky a lot, and how hard his words were and how much he fell and how sometimes he couldn't tell if he was hungry or not. Knowin' what was wrong and havin' names for it would prob'ly help Daddy feel better but it didn't real change how Clint thought about anythin'. 

"Okay," he said. "Can you trace us, Daddy?"

Daddy laughed and Bucky smiled and Clint thought maybe he'd gotten the words right again. That made him feel real good. 

*

Steve had to wait til the boys were tucked up in bed before he could do any more research, but that turned out to be a good thing. There was a lot of nervous energy and anxiety running under his skin, despite Bucky's positive reaction to his diagnoses. Steve wanted to know more, so that he could take better care of Bucky. He felt bad that it had taken this long to get real names for what was going on with Bucky. He had just chalked it all up to the trauma, but it was more complicated than that and he could have been doing so much more to help Bucky function better and feel more secure. 

Still, it was good to take the time to refocus on what was important - his boys and their happiness and health. There had been so much change and stress and tension in so little time, and sometimes, in the maelstrom of it all, it was easy to forget the simple pleasure of taking care of Clint and Bucky. So he tried to put all of his focus on them and the basic, simple tasks that were a part of caring for them. Those had been the things that had made ageplay such a powerful force for his mental health. These days, the care and taking of his boys was a lot more complicated, especially with Bucky. So it was nice, taking the time to do the simple things that made his boys happy. 

After they were tucked up into bed, sleeping soundly, Steve went out and sat on the couch. He opened his laptop to the tabs he'd been looking at earlier, when Clint arrived. Most of the pages were ones that Isaac had suggested - blogs and informational pages and one or two organizations. Steve had followed links on those websites to other websites and now he was facing a lot of information and no real sense of how to prioritize what he was learning. Steve took a deep breath and dived back in. 

He liked the blogs best, liked hearing from people who actually shared Bucky's diagnoses. It was good to hear from caregivers, too, to see what they were doing for the people they were caring for and how they managed the stress of it all. Steve took a couple notes down and sent Tony a quick email about acquiring weighted items for Bucky. There were a lot of tools and toys out there for people like Bucky, which kind of stunned Steve, and he spent an exorbitant amount of money purchasing anything he thought might help Bucky. 

By the time he finished, it was nearing one am. Steve blinked and rubbed his eyes, which were tired from staring at the screen of his laptop. His back and shoulders had cramped up, so he set his computer down and stretched. He took the time to do a little tidying and turned off all the lights before slipping into the bedroom. He used the bathroom and brushed his teeth before checking on his boys. Bucky was totally out as he typically was, thanks to his sleep aid. Clint was moving a little restlessly. Steve sat on Clint's side of the bed and soothed his boy with a gentle hand. 

He and Clint had come so far. Sometimes Steve couldn't believe it, that they'd come all this way and built this family and healed each other. His bones ached with gratitude and love. It was nothing he ever thought he'd have. Steve hadn't imagined kids in his future at all, given that he didn't have hardly any interest in sex. 

That had been something he thought the serum would fix, before. He'd always figured that maybe he was just too sick to feel what he was supposed to feel for women (or men). He thought, maybe, when his body was healed - but it never really happened for him. Even back then, he knew that his oddity (his graysexuality, Steve corrected himself firmly) would keep him from getting married and having children. Marriage wasn't something Steve really wanted anyway, at least, he hadn't wanted what it meant when he was growing up. Steve thought maybe he'd loved Peggy, and maybe, given enough time, he could have wanted her the way people thought he should. He liked kissing her, had thought, a couple times, of touching her. Maybe they could have had a relationship, got married, had a coupla kids. He would have liked that, he thinks now. 

It had all been too much to think about or feel or understand, back then. And of course, there was Bucky to consider. There was always Bucky to consider, because Steve thought that he probably loved Bucky in every way it was possible to love another human being. But Steve didn't need a romantic attachment to Bucky, he really didn't. And he was (and always had been) perfectly okay with not having sex at all. Steve didn't want to mess with things the way there were. He was happy. Maybe he could love Bucky in a sexual way, but he didn’t need it the way some people did. 

Bucky and Clint fit into his life. His life now was so full, perfectly full. He was needed - by the world and by his team and most of all by his boys. And he was allowed to take care of them, to tend to their every need and soothe their hurts and hold them when they cried. And perhaps selfishly, Steve was glad that they would never outgrow this, outgrow him. They had chosen to be children, and even if their headspaces shifted in the future, the likelihood that they would want to stop ageplaying all together was dim. If Bucky ever wanted more - well Steve would be happy to give that to him, but he didn't need it, and though it would be painful, he would understand if Bucky wanted that sort of relationship with someone else. Bucky had never shown any sign of being into men, before, but then, it had been a different time. 

Clint rolled over and mumbled, his eyes blinking open. Steve quickly put the thoughts out of his head and focused on Clint. 

"Hey baby, did I wake you up?" 

"Nuh, Daddy. Just woke up." Clint pressed in, sleep warm and heavy limbed and Steve's whole body ached with fondness. "Daddy, wet," Clint murmured, without shame. Steve smiled and pressed a kiss to Clint's head. Clint hadn't been so upfront and unembarrassed with him since before Bucky moved in. 

"Thanks for telling me, lovebug. You lay right here and I'll get you all cleaned up."

"'kay," Clint whispered, slipping his thumb into his mouth. Steve stroked his hair back and stood, going to fetch wipes and a fresh diaper. Back in the beginning Steve had done this because it so obviously helped, but now it was one of his favorite parts of caring for his boys. It was the intimacy of it, the trust and affection the whole interaction required. So Steve took the time to clean Clint gently, to make sure the diaper was fitted around his hips. Clint drifted in and out while Steve worked, but that was alright. Once Clint was dry, Steve tucked him back under the covers and climbed into bed between his boys. They both snuggled close and Steve fell asleep feeling very very happy. 

*

Bucky blinked his eyes open. He was curled up next to Daddy, who was reading a book to himself. Bucky glanced over at Clint - his brother was still asleep. Bucky sucked a little, noticing that his pacifier was still in his mouth and hadn't fallen out last night. Daddy looked down at the slurpy noise and gave him a big smile. He leant down to kiss Bucky's head. Bucky did a little squirm, cause his Daddy loved him a lot. 

"Good morning, roo. How'd you sleep?"

Bucky started looking for the words and all of a sudden remembered what Isaac had told them yesterday. It all came piling back into his head so fast he got a little dizzy. Daddy noticed, cause his face went from smiley to frowny, and he was putting his book down and scooping Bucky up instead. Bucky pressed as close to Daddy as he could get and tried not to think about yesterday. It was hard though. He had a lot of questions. Bucky sucked a little harder on his pacifier before trying words. 

"Isaac - yesterday," he mumbled. "Told us..."

"Yeah, baby. He gave us some ideas about what's going on with your body. Do you remember what he said?"

Bucky nodded, "TBI an' 'praxia an' SPD and - uh." He couldn't remember the word that said he had a hard time with words. That was kinda funny but not in a giggly way, more in a hurty way. 

"Aphasia," Daddy reminded him. "That's right, roo. I did a little more reading on all those things last night, and I think I understand a little better. Do you have any questions you want to ask me?"

Bucky nodded, keeping his cheek pressed against Daddy's chest. He could feel Daddy's breath ruffling his hair. 

"Is that why I fall lots?" He asked first. 

"Yeah. That's the dyspraxia, but the SPD makes it a little harder for you." Bucky thought about that. Before, he hadn't been clumsy at all. He'd been graceful, he thought, a good dancer and fighter and he'd never tripped or hurt himself. 

"Other people gots 'praxia too, right?" 

"Yup. About 10 percent of people have dyspraxia." That was a lot of people, Bucky thought, way more than he'd thought would have it. 

Bucky sucked on his pacifier and blushed. He wanted to ask about his accidents, but that was embarrassin' to talk about, specially now that he knew Isaac knew too.  "Is that why 'vegot accidents?"

Daddy combed back Bucky's hair and nodded, giving him a real soft smile, one that said  _ it's okay I know it's hard but I'm gonna help you and love you no matter what _ . "Yes, roo. Your SPD and TBI both make it hard for you tell when you have to use the bathroom." Bucky hid his face in Daddy's chest. It was still a hard thing to talk about even though he knew that Daddy din't think he was gross or anything. Talking about it made him realize that his pull up was wet and cold between his legs and he tried to shift his hips away from the icky feeling. Daddy lifted him up and got them out of bed and Bucky blushed some more, knowing that Daddy had figured out what Bucky needed. Daddy kept talking quietly as he carried him to the bathroom. "A lot of people with TBI or SPD have problems with bathroom things." 

Bucky shifted side to side as he considered that. It was weird to think that there were other people like him out there, people who had problems with moving and their words and makin' it to the bathroom and stuff. It was weird, but a good weird, cause it meant there wasn't something wrong with him. Well there was - TBI and dyspraxia and aphasia and SPD and all - but it wasn't just him or because he was just bad at those things. There were real problems in his brain that meant he couldn't be the way he had been before, and that felt good to know, like a fuzzy sweater on a cold day.  

Daddy laid him down on the squishy bathmat and got out changing things and Bucky thought about other questions he had. 

"Do 'praxia and TBI an' uh, eveythin' do they go away? Get better?" Daddy looked at him, a little sad looking and shook his head. 

"No, baby, they don't. Your symptoms might get better and we'll learn new ways to help you, but you'll always have those things in your brain." 

Bucky had to sit quietly to think about that for a minute. It made ice creep along his spine, thinkin' that he'd be like this forever. It would be okay if he was like this just when he was little. He didn't mind needing help or falling over or having accidents when he was little. Or, at least, he minded it a lot less than when he was big. It was hard to think that he'd be like this forever and ever, though, even when he was big. He'd always need help. The thoughts were making his brain get a little firmer and sharper, closer to big. 

Bucky shook off the last vestiges of being little just as Steve was guiding a pair of underwear up his legs. The underwear was a pair of brightly colored and cartoon patterned boxers that Clint had bought him to wear when he was little, but they were going to disappear under pants anyway, so it wasn't worth changing. He glanced up and met Steve's eyes. 

Steve blinked and smiled. "Hey Buck. Big again?" Steve was clearly surprised, and yeah, Bucky understood that. He'd been big all morning and usually after a long time big he needed an equal time being little. But his head felt odd, and overloaded, and he wasn't really sure which headspace would best be able to handle it best. 

"Sort of," Bucky mumbled, sitting up with Steve's support. Steve helped him stand and step into his sweatpants. "Not sure how long it'll last."

"That's alright, bud. Is there something you need from me right now?" 

Bucky took a minute to think, knowin' that Steve wouldn't rush him. He fought with his brain for a minute to make the right words come together. "Can I be b'myself? In the office? With the door open."

Steve smiled. "Of course you can. I'm gonna wake Clint up and then we're going to have a snack. You should eat something, but if you need some space first, that's alright."

Bucky nodded slowly. Steve let go of his arm and he wobbled a moment before finding his balance. His sense of his body came and went. Some days it was almost normal, and some days it was fucking awful. At the moment he was hoverin' somewhere in the middle. He could move around on his own, but there was a good chance he was gonna fall or somethin. Bucky sighed, exhausted by the effort and thought and control it all took. 

He really did need the time by himself to fuckin' process it. Not really by himself, though, cause he didn't like bein' too far from Stevie. And that whole bundle of crazy was complicated as hell. When he was feeling little he didn't really mind the terms separation anxiety and codependency, which Annie used to describe his relationship to Steve. When he was big they made him feel weird and strange in his skin. Of course, Annie never used those words with judgement, would never. And if she did Steve would never let her get away with it, Bucky thought with an internal chuckle. She allowed that mental health for him might end up looking different than the standard version of it and she said that was okay. She just wanted him to have the option of independence. And yeah, Bucky wanted that too. Not so he could leave Steve, because Steve was everything, but so that he could be a person with Steve instead of just a invalid. 

The new diagnoses made him doubt he'd ever have any sort of independence at all and that really freaked him out. Bucky curled up into an armchair pushed under Clint's nest (he would have liked to have climbed up into the nest but there was no fuckin' way that was gonna happen right then, even if he had Steve's help). 

He was fuckin' disabled. And honestly, he didn't know how to handle that at all. 'course, neither Steve nor Isaac had said it that way, but Bucky could read between the lines. He knew how little he could do these days, how hard everything was, how much help he needed. And now he knew that he probably wasn’t gonna get better. 

And, well, that was hard to think about, it really was. But despite that, he mostly felt relieved. He wasn’t a shitty person, just a person who was sometimes shitty at things. It didn’t seem like that much of a difference, but it really was. It was fuckin’ validating, that’s what it was. 

But the ramifications were still plenty scary. It had been easy to think (hope), before, that one day everything would just miraculously get better, that he'd just wake up and be himself again, easy as breathing. But that wasn't gonna happen. He was going to have to keep dealing with these things the rest of his life and that meant - 

Well. It meant he had to stop waiting. If he wanted something, he should just fuckin' ask, like a grown up. He didn't really know what he wanted, but he'd been working really hard on not thinking about it, so. Bucky sighed, curled his body up a little tighter. He was freaked out. He was scared. He needed Steve. 

He stumbled to his feet and wobbled over to the door. His body felt loose and far away and difficult to control. By the time Bucky made it to the kitchen, he was mostly little again, headspace falling too fast to keep track of. 

"Daddy," he whimpered as soon as he was close enough for Daddy to hear him. Daddy got up right away and came over and scooped him up into a big hug. 

"Whassamatter, roo?" Daddy asked, soft and gentle. 

Bucky made his signs for  _ scared _ and  _ confused _ and  _ too much _ . Daddy nodded, an understanding and thoughtful look on his face. 

"You got a lot of really big news today, bud. It's a lot to process and a lot to understand. It's alright that you feel overwhelmed. It might take you a little while to decide how you feel about it all. That's okay. You take all the time you need."

Bucky nodded into Daddy's chest and tried to forget all the new words and all the things they meant. It was too much to handle right then.

*

The next week was a really confusing one. Bucky fluctuated between big and little too fast for him to keep up with, which left him feeling worn and overemotional. Steve had to hold him safe three times in as many days, which was worse than it had been in a long time. Bucky felt relieved and terrified in turns, and sometimes he felt them both at once. Everyday there was some new realization. Some of them were helpful - he made a mess when he ate because of the dyspraxia. He had a harder time talking to strangers because of the aphasia. Sometimes they were scary and overwhelming - he wasn't ever going to stop having accidents. He would always need someone to help him dress on bad days. 

Being little made all of that easier to handle, just like it had since the beginning. But Bucky couldn't seem to stay little for very long - his thoughts were too big and too loud. He always had a harder time letting Steve help when he was big, too, and it wasn't exactly a good week, body wise. Bucky spent a lot of time cursing a blue streak at himself or at Steve. He could tell that it was wearing on Steve, too. They both spent some time talking out his diagnoses with Annie and she had helped Bucky access some websites and support groups that he hadn't felt up to looking at yet. He didn't know what Annie and Steve had talked about, but Steve was quieter than usual after their session and looked like he might have been crying. 

So it was a really fucking hard week. Bucky ended up missing a lot of his usual activities - breakfast with the team and hanging out at Clint's and movie night just because he couldn't handle it all. He even had a panic attack when Thor came over to watch him and that hadn't happened in months. Bucky could tell that Steve was nervous about leaving him alone during the Avengers' training session, even though he wasn't really alone, just across the gym. But, yeah, Bucky was nervous about it too. His headspace had been so unstable and he still couldn't be without some sort of caregiver, especially when he was little. But Bucky wanted to be able to do it. He felt like he'd taken five steps back this week and that felt shitty as hell, because it wasn't like he'd made very much progress in the first place. Steve, as always, supported Bucky's desire and helped arrange things so that they'd be more likely to go well - a beanbag chair, a movie and noise cancelling headphones, in this case. 

Bucky settled down to watch  _ Finding Nemo _ (for the hundreth time). He knew it was a kid's movie, but he just really fuckin' like it okay? The animation was amazing and the water scenes were ridiculously soothing. Plus, fish were cool. They were like - dinosaurs that never went away. He liked the way their bodies moved and the way scales looked. He knew it was kinda weird, so he didn't talk about it much. He just asked to watch this damn movie a lot. 

That was something he wanted, Bucky realized. He wanted a pet fish. It was such a ridiculous, tiny thing. The desire was sudden and powerful. But it would be something that was his to take care of and it would be a fish. Fish were cold blooded, which meant they were always reacting to and reliant on the environment. That's the way Bucky felt most of the time too. He'd been thinking about this almost the whole way through training when Steve came to fetch him. 

The first thing that popped out his mouth was, "I wanna fish." Steve blinked, looking a little startled, as he helped Bucky to his feet. 

"Oh?"

"Yeah." Bucky said, feeling a flush come up on his face and the urge to be little creeping up on him. It wasn't worth fighting it, he didn't think, so he slipped into that comfortable place in his head. "Fish are pretty. And cool. And they swim good." 

Steve smiled and chuckled a little, eyes crinkling. "Is that right, baby?"

"Yuhuh."

"Well, let Daddy think about it, okay? But I think we can probably get you a fish. Do you know what kind you'd like?"

Bucky hadn't thought that far ahead and he nibbled on his lip thoughtfully. There were a lot of different types of fish and he didn't know what kind he'd like best. He has to learn more about fish, he thinks. "Dunno. Can we get books 'bout fishies?"

"Of course we can, roo. I'll order some when we get home after OT. Look, there's Isaac." 

Bucky turned his body to look. Isaac was coming in the door to the gym. Isaac caught them looking and gave them a big smile and wave. Daddy picked Bucky up and jogged over. Bucky bounced in his arms and giggled. 

"Hi Isaac," Daddy said with a little grin. 

"Hi Steve, hi Bucky. You guys ready for some OT?" 

"Yup!" Daddy said and Bucky just nodded a little. He felt a little shy, all of a sudden, cause he was remembering last week and all the things that Isaac told him about his body and that Isaac knows he has accidents and everything and that was just a lot to think about. He kind of had to hide in Daddy for a minute. While he was moving to hide his eyes he noticed that Isaac had a big suitcase with him today. 

As they were walking towards the OT room, Isaac said, "I brought some things for us to try now that we have a better idea of what's going on, okay Bucky?"

"Yuhuh," he whispered, shyly glancing over a Issac. Isaac smiled at him and Bucky remembered that Isaac was really nice and played a lot of good games. And Daddy had said that Isaac wouldn't be mean about his accidents. He took a deep breath and pulled away  from Daddy, just a little bit. When they reached the OT room, Daddy and Isaac stopped to take off their shoes. Daddy hadn't made Bucky wear shoes today, because they made his feet feel funny. 

"Where would you like to start, Bucky? In the ball pit or the pillow cave?" Isaac asked. Bucky hadta really think about that for a minute because they were both really great. But he didn't really feel like he had to hide right now. 

"Ball pit please?" Bucky said, real quiet like. Isaac and Daddy both smiled and they walked over with him. He could hear them talking a little about boring grown up things, but he was too excited for the ball pit to really pay attention. When he got there, he looked for Daddy to help him in. 

"Actually, Bucky, can you try by yourself first?" Isaac asked. Bucky shrunk back into himself and shook his head. The edge of the ball pit came up over his tummy and he was pretty sure he would fall if he tried to get in by himself. Plus, he knew he'd look silly and he didn't want that, didn't want Isaac to see him bein' bad a things. He was little, it was okay for Daddy to help him with things. 

"C'mon Bucky, just give it a try, okay buddy?" Bucky shook his head a little harder. 

Daddy went to open his mouth again, a little crease in his eyebrows. Isaac cut him off, though. "That's okay. It's always alright to say no to things that make you uncomfortable, kiddo." 

Bucky wasn’t sure he really believed that. He knew he hadta try things to get better at them but he just - he didn’t wanna. He bit his lip, hard, and Daddy tsked a little and pulled out a pacifier. Bucky blushed when he took it. He didn’t feel like he could do anything right. He was such a stupid little baby. He sniffled back tears and shrugged. 

“It really is okay, roo,” Daddy said, squeezing Bucky’s shoulders. “Would you like me to toss you?” 

“Just lift me?” Bucky asked quietly. Daddy gave him a little smile and picked him up.  He set him super gently down in the ball pit and Bucky sunk down to his chin, not looking at Isaac at all. He felt real embarrassed and he didn’t know what to do. Daddy and Isaac got into the ball pit with him and Daddy came up behind him and gave him a little tickle. Bucky giggled and leaned into Daddy’s chest. The tickle helped him relax and he squirmed further into the ball pit. He even ducked his head under a couple times. 

Isaac and Daddy helped him lie on top of the balls, which was kinda like floating in the pool but also really different. He could feel where all the balls pressed into his back and his head and his legs and his bum. They felt different cause of the clothes he was wearing - his sweatpants were thicker so he couldn’t feel the balls as good. His shirt was thin, though, so he could feel the balls really good, but not as good as he could feel them with his head or his neck. He could hardly feel them on his bum at all through the padding of his pull up. But then there were just differences cause of his body, but Bucky couldn’t really tell all of that apart as good. The balls got to be too much real fast and he hadta ask Daddy for help getting out. 

Isaac didn’t ask him to do it by himself that time. 

“Do you want to check out the fun things I brought, Bucky?” Isaac asked, gesturing at his big suitcase. Bucky nodded. He was pretty curious about it. They went over and sat down, right on the ground. Bucky got a little tippy while he was sitting down but Daddy caught him before he fell all the way. “Can you undo the zipper for me?” Isaac asked as he reached for his other bag. 

Bucky could do zippers. At least, he could most of the time. The bag was a little tricky - he had to use his foot to keep it in place while he pulled on the zipper, but it wasn’t too hard. Inside the bag there were a bunch of little bins and bags with lots of colorful things inside. 

“Thanks kiddo!” Isaac said, reaching into the bag and pulling out a couple of thing. “Why don’t you pick one of these to try first?” Bucky sucked hard on his paci while he thought - it helped him focus. His eyes kept coming back to one bag with a bunch of plastic gears, so he pointed at that one. 

“Good choice!” Isaac’s voice was cheery as he grabbed the bag and then a big white pegboard. Isaac showed him how to screw on the little gears. It was a little hard only because the board wanted to spin when Bucky spun the gears. Isaac made a little hmming noise in the back of his throat and went into his bag again. He came out with a shiny black mat, which he put on the coloring table. “Let’s move you up here, Bucky.” Isaac put the board on top of the mat and when Bucky sat down in front of it and started to spin, the board didn’t move  _ at all _ . 

He gaped up at Isaac. That was  _ magic.  _ Things were always slippin’ around on Bucky and making things really hard. 

“S’a’magic mat,” Bucky mumbled. Isaac and Daddy both laughed and Bucky blushed a little, even though he knew they weren’t laughing at him. 

“It is pretty awesome,” Daddy agreed. “Where could I find something like that for us to use at home?” Bucky nodded quickly. This would make it easier to feed himself and to color and everything. He definitely wanted one. 

“I’ll send you a link,” Isaac said with a grin. “They’re pretty easy to find.” 

Now Bucky was really excited to see what else Isaac had in his bag. 

OT that day was lots of fun. After Bucky’s fingers got tired of the gears, they played with some tongs - he had to pick up pom poms and toss them at Daddy. It was pretty funny. Then there was something Isaac called a geoboard with little rubber bands that he had to use to make different shapes. He and Daddy worked together to make Nemo and Dory. There was play-doh too. First there was a different dough but it was all sticky and slimy and Bucky didn’t like it all. It made his skin feel squirmy and icky. Daddy had to give him a big squeeze before he was ready to go back to playing. They even got to play with scissors! Daddy didn’t ever let Bucky cut things because he was worried that Bucky might hurt himself, but Isaac had special scissors that only cut paper, not skin. 

The last thing they did Isaac called a texture board. It was a big wooden board with lots of different things stuck onto it. They all felt different. Some of them were no good - like the sand paper or the plastic netting and Bucky had to pull his fingers right back. There were some more slimy things and one with lots of little strings that Bucky’s fingers got stuck in. Some of there were only okay for a little bit - like the feather and the velvet. Some of them Bucky wished he could take right home with him. There was a soft patch that Daddy called fleece. There was bubble wrap, which made a great noise when you pushed on the little bubbles. There was some bumpy rubber. Isaac wrote down the ones that Bucky liked best and told Daddy where to get some toys that had those textures on them. 

By then Bucky was yawning a lot. He kept running his fingers over the fleece and thinking about how nice it would be if he had sheets made of fleece. That would be really, really nice. He was a little surprised when Daddy scooped him up. He’d been distracted. Daddy asked him to say goodbye to Isaac so he waved a little and then snuggled closer to his Daddy. 

He didn’t remember getting back to their apartment. 

When he woke later, it was too the sound of Clint giggling. When he opened his eyes, Clint was lying in bed next to him, getting ready to tickle him. Bucky smiled at his brother. Clint pouted. 

“Aw, Bucky, no! I wanted t’tickle you awake!” 

“Can still tickle,” Bucky mumbled around his paci. He liked being tickled. “Need changed first.”

“Okay!” Clint said, bouncing up and off the bed. “I’ll get Daddy!” 

Clint ran out of the room and Bucky rolled over and caught sight of something bright and colorful sitting on the bedside table. It was Nemo. But he was soft and plushy - fleece, Bucky remembered - and had a blankie coming from his belly, which was blue and had soft little bumps all over it. Bucky loved it. 

He rubbed the blankie part all over his face. 

He thought about asking Daddy for a fish. He thought about how Isaac hadn’t made him climb into the ball pit by himself. He thought about getting to choose what he wanted to do in OT. He thought about waking up with Clinty giggling at him. 

He hugged Nemo to his chest and smiled. 

_ fin.  _

  
  
  
  
  
  



	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey folks! Sorry for the delay. As some of you may know from tumblr, I'm taking part in the Stucky Big Bang and am ridiculously busy with that, so ENAC's been kind of on the backburner. I have also been really really bad about getting back to comments, but I wanted you to know that I read every single one and they mean the world. You guys are the best. 
> 
> If you're interested in my Stucky Big Bang projects, I keep that stuff over on a separate [blog](https://icoulddthisallday.tumblr.com/) and [AO#](http://archiveofourown.org/users/icoulddothisallday/works), now linked. The blog is NSFW and has sexual content and I know that's not for all of you, so consider this your warning.

 

Bucky shuffled a little closer to the dollhouse. It was pretty new, Daddy only got it last week. Daddy had to order the dolls to be specially made - he even drew the designs. Bucky got to help. It was the best present he’d ever gotten, ever, except maybe his nemo lovey. Bucky hadn’t been able to stop playing with it since then. The dolls were a good size for Bucky’s hand and the house came with lotsa furniture, which was really cool. Daddy and Bucky had played lots of games in it since it came in the mail. But today, Bucky wasn’t playing with Daddy, he was playing with Annie. Daddy was sitting on the couch, reading a book, so he wasn’t too far if Bucky needed him. 

Today Annie was sitting on the floor with him, next to the dollhouse, but she said that she just wanted to watch him play. That made him a little nervous, even though Daddy watched him play all the time. Daddy was different. 

Carefully, Bucky picked up a little boy doll and slid him under the bed. Another little boy doll he put in the closet. Then he picked a Daddy doll and made him look and look for his boys. He found the boy under the bed, but he didn’t look in the closet, so that little boy stayed there while the other dolls went to the kitchen to have a treat. Annie just watched, but she had little frowny lines between her eyebrows, so Bucky switched games after that. 

For a little while he just played Daddy and brothers, cause that was one of his favorites. The brothers played lots and the Daddy doll sometimes played with them and sometimes cooked. The new doll house even had a little bathtub so the boy dolls could have a bath. 

“Can I play now, Bucky?” Annie asked. Bucky nodded a little nervously, biting his lips. Playing with new people kinda scared him cause they could do anything. Annie picked up one of the little boy dolls and made it talk. 

Bucky’s dolls never talked when he was playing. 

“I want to jump on the bed!” Annie said, moving the doll around a little. 

Bucky’s doll didn’t wanna jump on the bed. He could fall off and he might get hurt, and anyway, jumping was hard. Annie made her doll run over to the big bed and jump up and down on it. 

“C’mon!” Her dolly said. “Come jump with me.” 

Bucky put his doll down and pulled back a little. Annie’s eyebrows went a little frowny again. She didn’t say anything to him though, she just picked the daddy doll up and made him walk into the bedroom. 

“Uh oh!” The daddy doll said. “Let’s not jump on the bed! That isn’t safe.” 

Bucky watched carefully as she made the daddy doll and the little boy doll go downstairs to play instead. Once they were safely away from the bed and the daddy doll was reading a pretend book, he picked up his doll again and made him sit on the couch. 

But it didn’t stay a safe game for very long. 

“Let’s play outside!” The daddy doll said. “It’s sunny and warm outside.”

Annie made the daddy doll and the brother doll walk to the front door and go outside the house. Bucky’s doll followed to the door and then got stuck. It couldn’t go outside, it just couldn’t. Terrible things might happen. Anything could happen if he went outside. But Daddy was outside and Bucky wasn’t and… 

His breath started to come too fast and hard in his chest. And then Daddy was sitting next to him and scooped Bucky into his lap for a hug. 

“Take a deep breath, Bucky,” Annie said, voice soft and calming. “It’s alright. You’re home and you’re safe with your daddy, isn’t that right?”

Bucky nodded, but his body felt a little quivery and he kinda wanted to cry. 

“Let’s play a different game now, okay?” Bucky nodded, quick, and slipped his thumb into his mouth. Daddy didn’t say anything for a minute, while Annie got some new things out of her bag, but when Annie came back, Daddy tapped Bucky’s elbow. 

Bucky sighed a little and pulled his thumb out. He knew Daddy didn’t care if Bucky sucked his thumb or a paci, but he wasn’t supposed to during therapy cause it made it harder to talk and Bucky already had a hard time talking. 

Annie had pulled out a stack of papers and cardboard. Bucky shifted nervously in Daddy’s lap. Annie gave him a reassuring smile. 

“We’re going to read a couple stories,” Annie explained. “And I’m going to ask you some questions, okay?” 

Bucky’s tummy felt nervous just thinking about it. But Daddy gave him a little squeeze and Annie was smiling all soft, so Bucky told his belly to be brave and nodded. 

The stories weren’t that exciting and the questions were hard - about what different characters were feeling and predicting what might happen next in the story. Sometimes Bucky could answer them really easily and sometimes he couldn’t and then Annie would write some things down while Bucky wiggled in Daddy’s arms cause he didn’t know what she was writing and it made him kinda nervous.

Next they looked at photos of lots of different people making different faces. Bucky hadta tell Annie what they were feelin’ and sometimes make up stories about why they were feeling that way. It was real hard.     

“Excellent work, Bucky,” Annie told him when they finished, patting his knee. He smiled at his lap a little and wiggled happily. “Now I heard that you and your Daddy have been reading a lot about fish, huh? And that you want a pet fish of your own?” 

Bucky perked up, nodding so hard he felt a little dizzy. 

“Daddy got me lotsa books!” He really had. Daddy had gotten books with photographs and books with lots of information and story books and silly books and serious books. Bucky made Daddy read them all to him over and over again and he was learnin’ lots about fish. They were even cooler than he thought. 

Bucky squirmed around in Daddy’s lap. He had left his nemo lovey on the couch before therapy and Bucky wanted it now. Daddy musta realized what he was looking for, because he turned around and found nemo and put him into Bucky’s hand.  Bucky petted nemo’s blanket over his nose, sighing happily. 

“M’gonna get a betta first, cause Daddy doesn’t want me to have lotsa fishies all at once, and bettas like t’live b’themselves, but other fishies need friends in their tanks. Also, betta’s are real pretty and gots lotsa colors.” Abruptly, Bucky slammed his mouth closed and blushed. That was a lot more than he usually talked, even with Annie. Annie had a funny little smile on her face and she raised her eyebrow at Daddy. Bucky leaned his head way back so he could see Daddy’s face too. Daddy was smiling. 

“He really likes fish,” Daddy said, winking. 

“I can tell! That’s really exciting Bucky. I’m glad you’re going to get a pet fish.” 

“When m’ready I can get more fish, so my betta can have friends,” Bucky told Annie happily. He wanted his fishie to have friends, cause things were always better with friends, but he understood why Daddy only wanted him to have one to start with. “I’m gonna get a blue one and name it Dory.” 

“That sounds fantastic, Bucky! Maybe someday you and your daddy can go to the aquarium together, what do you think about that?” 

At first, Bucky thought that sounded great cause he’d read about aquariums and looked at pictures and they had so many fish and even though some aquariums were bad, there were lots that were good and took good care of all their fishies. But - it would mean leaving the tower. Bucky didn’t wanna leave the tower. That felt scary and too big and like all sorts of bad things could happen and it made his skin feel weird and his throat all dry and he didn’t wanna, but he did wanna see an aquarium and he was so stupid, he couldn’t even leave the tower, he was such a stupid scaredy cat. 

Daddy hugged him tight and slipped a paci into his mouth, cause Daddy could always tell when Bucky was getting really upset.  Annie stood up and went over to her bag and got out a big, flat board. They’d only used it once or twice, but Bucky remembered it. It had lotsa pictures of people on it, showing different feelings. He used it to tell Annie what he was feeling when he couldn’t remember the words. While Annie did that, Daddy pulled Bucky’s weighted lap pad off the couch and put it over his legs. Bucky rubbed his fingers over the little bumps on nemo’s blankie and breathed real slow and long. 

Annie held up the mood board. Bucky looked at it for a minute and then pointed at scared and then mad. He pointed at himself after he touched the mad picture. Annie nodded, looking thoughtful. “Thanks for telling me. You did really great keeping yourself calm, Bucky. I can understand why that might feel like a scary thing and we’re not going to make you do anything that is too much for you, okay? But we’re also not going to let anything bad happen to you, and it’s important that you get out in the world. I’d like to make that a goal, okay?”

Bucky ducked his chin and shrugged. 

“Just think about it, alright? We’ll talk about it again next week. Maybe you and your daddy can talk about things that you could do that would be fun and how we could make it less scary for you.”

“Okay.” 

Annie patted his knee and met his eyes. “I’m really proud of you.”

Bucky blushed and squirmed in Daddy’s arms. Daddy hugged him a little tighter. Annie got to her feet, slow but real graceful. Annie had told Bucky that she used to be a gymnast, before she became a therapist. Bucky thought that was pretty neat. 

Bucky leaned back into Daddy’s chest and listened while Daddy and Annie talked. 

“I’ve been in touch with Isaac,” Annie said. “He’s a wonderful young man. He already seems to have a good handle on what Bucky needs to succeed.”

“He’s great,” Daddy agreed and Bucky sorta nodded. Isaac was great and he always helped Bucky with things that were hard. “He mentioned that you guys had talked. He said something about you helping with the social stuff?”

“Yes. Dyspraxia, aphasia, and sensory processing disorder all carry ramifications for social interactions. That’s why we played the games we did today. I wanted to get a sense of Bucky’s skill set and confidence.” Bucky didn’t like how any of this sounded. He curled up a little tighter. Things were hard already. He hadn’t realized his ‘praxia and stuff was gonna make it harder to be good with people. “His social difficulties are compounded by his PTSD and agoraphobia and Isaac and I agree that it’s something we need to tackle head on.”

Bucky squirmed unhappily. That was a lot of real big words and they kinda scared him and he sorta wished he was so little he didn’t know what PTSD or agoraphobia was. 

“Okay,” Daddy sounded a little sad. Bucky felt a lot sad and embarrassed and just - really really small, like he wished he could just turn into a little speck and disappear. He was so broken and there were so many things wrong with him and sometimes he just got tired of workin’ so hard and things not goin’ his way anyway. “What do you suggest?”

“For now, I think we should increase our sessions. I’d like to see Bucky twice a week, once for our regular therapy and one more like this, where we can practice social skills.”

“Alright,” Daddy said softly, squeezing Bucky tight. Bucky sighed a little. He liked Annie, but he hadta do hard things when she came, and he usually cried, and it was just - really hard. “Bucky’s got a pretty busy schedule these days. But maybe if you did the skills session when Thor’s here? That shouldn’t be too triggering, right? He might be okay without me,” Daddy didn’t sound like he was real sure. Bucky wasn’t real sure either. He felt pretty safe with Thor and he knew that Thor would keep him safe if he got really upset. But he wasn’t sure he wanted Thor to see how hard things were, that he hadta learn things that normal people just knew. 

“Actually, I think that would be great. I’d like to see how Bucky interacts with people aside from you.”

“Maybe Thursday mornings, then?” Steve suggested. “I have a regular meeting with Phil and then I work out, so I’m in the building, but Thor stays with Bucky most of the morning and sometimes puts him down for his nap.” Bucky frowned, but didn’t say anything. He knew that Annie and Daddy only did things that they thought would help him. Those things were sometimes hard, ‘specially at first, but mostly they did help. 

“Sounds like a plan,” Annie said with a big smile. “I’ll see you Wednesday for your appointment, Steve, and Bucky I’ll see you again on Thursday!” 

Bucky gave Annie a wave goodbye and then turned around to give Daddy a big giant hug. His brain felt tired and that made his body feel fuzzy and funny. 

“You did a good job today, roo. You wanna watch your new fish documentary?” 

Bucky sat right up and wiggled his hips side to side. “Yeah!” 

Daddy smiled at him, all soft and warm, and pressed a kiss to his forehead and got the movie set up for him. After it started, Bucky barely noticed Daddy leaving the room and coming back with some milk for him. It was some of the ‘nilla stuff that had vitamins and minerals in it, to help keep him healthy. Daddy stayed in the room after that, which was good, but he sat in his own chair and read. 

Daddy let him watch the whole thing, even though it was longer than an episode of Peep or Angelina. Afterwards, Daddy fed him lunch - it was soup, which got real messy if he tried to feed it to himself, especially if he was little and his body was fuzzy. Instead he sat on Daddy’s lap and Daddy scooped spoonfuls of soup into his mouth. Bucky didn’t havta go straight for a nap after lunch if he didn’t want too, but he was sleepy. 

“Nap, Daddy,” he informed through a yawn. Daddy smiled at him and wiped his mouth with a soft washcloth (regular cloth napkins were too scratchy on his cheeks). 

“Okay, baby, let’s get you tucked in for a nap.” Daddy carried him to the bathroom, first, so he could pee before goin’ to sleep. Usually if he peed before naptime, he didn’t have an accident. ‘Cept he’d had milk and soup and juice, so it might not work. But Bucky knew that Daddy didn’t mind. Daddy read  _ A Bad Case of the Stripes  _ and  _ Wish for a Fish _ and then kissed his forehead and stayed with him ‘til he fell asleep. 

Bucky felt happy and good and like things were gonna be okay, even if sometimes they were hard. 

*

On Thursday, Bucky and Daddy did all their regular morning things getting ready for Thor to come over, but they got ready for Annie to come again. It made Bucky nervous, thinking about havin’ an appointment with Annie while Daddy wasn’t there, so he stayed curled up as close as he could get to Daddy all morning. 

Thor got there right after breakfast, like normal. Usually Bucky didn’t mind when Daddy handed him over to Thor cause Thor could still carry him and cuddle him. Not  _ as  _ good as Daddy, cause no one was as good as Daddy, but pretty good. That day he kept his arm wrapped around Daddy’s neck and whined when Daddy tried to let Thor take him. 

“What’s a matter, baby?” Daddy asked, looking down at him all worried. It made Bucky feel kinda guilty cause there wasn’t actually anything the matter. Bucky just didn’t  _ wanna _ . 

“Don’t want you t’go,” Bucky mumbled around his paci. 

“I know you don’t roo,” Daddy said, cause Bucky never wanted Daddy to go. He was just sometimes better about letting Daddy go even when it was hard. 

“Come back soon?” Bucky asked in a tiny voice, loosening his grip. 

“Of course I will,” Daddy promisied and Daddy never lied so Bucky turned and reached for Thor. 

“Hello there, little one.” Thor never acted like he felt bad when Bucky didn’t want him there or didn’t want his daddy to go. Thor knew they were friends. Thor was special too, in a different way from Clinty or Daddy, but still special. Thor was safe and he helped take care of Bucky even when Bucky made it really hard for him. 

“He’s wearing a pull up today, because of Annie’s visit,” Daddy said and Bucky blushed and hid his face in Thor’s shoulder. Thor rubbed his back and bounced him a little, which felt nice but not so nice he could stop hiding. Thor had been helping Daddy with him since before Bucky even started wearing pull ups during the day. And cause Bucky still mostly didn’t like wearing them when he was at home he didn’t always wear them when Thor came to visit. 

Not wearing a pull up sometimes meant Bucky made a mess. But he also never had to tell anybody when he got wet. They just knew. Sometimes that was better. 

“If you could make sure to check in with him to see if he needs a change,” Daddy added and Bucky whined a little bit. 

“Of course,” Thor said all serious sounding. Thor was always serious about taking good care of Bucky. 

“I should be back by lunch today. It’s gonna be a lot for him, having you here while he sees Annie instead of me, so I want to be back earlier. And you can always get JARVIS to call me if you need.” Daddy sounded a little nervous. Sometimes that made Bucky feel more scared than he already was but today it made him feel like it was alright to be worried. 

“Of course Steven. Young James and I will be just fine.” 

“Thanks Thor.” Daddy said and then bent to give Bucky a kiss on the cheek. “I’ll see you soon, roo.” 

Thor and Bucky got to play a little, before Annie came, so Bucky showed him the new dollies and how cool they were. Thor always made his characters have silly voices and long confusing names that even Thor couldn’t ‘member. 

When Annie knocked on the door, Bucky went and hid under his weighted blanket with his nemo lovey and his paci while Thor went to open the door. Annie and Thor had never met before and he could hear them talking in the hallway before they came in. 

“Hello Bucky!” Annie said, all smiley. She sat down on the floor next to his little nest. “Today we’re going to play some games and practice asking for things. Would you like privacy or would you like Thor to be here?” Annie always asked that, though it was usually about Daddy. 

Bucky had to think about it for a minute. Thor was one of his safe people, so he liked having him around, but it was embarrassing that he hadta practice stuff like this and he didn’t really want Thor to see. 

“Privacy please,” Bucky said, not lookin’ at Thor. “Stay close though.”

“I shall wait in the kitchen, little one, and there I shall be if you need me.”

Annie didn’t make Bucky get out of his nest right away. She pulled over the dollhouse (it was really big - even Daddy sometimes needed help to pick it up) and some of the dolls. 

“Today I want to practice taking turns and asking for things. How does that sound?”

Bucky shrugged a little and then nodded. 

“I’m going to need you to use your words if you can, okay? So you can stay under the blanket but can you put your pacifier aside for now?”

Bucky blushed but took his paci out and put it on the table where he could reach it if he needed it. 

“Sometimes my voice might be too loud or too quiet,” Annie told him. “Because sometimes people are too loud or too quiet. But if it’s too much you tap my arm and I’ll use my normal voice, okay?”

Bucky nodded and picked up a little boy dolly. 

Annie started bein’ the little girl doll. She was very noisy and not good at sharing.

“Can I play w’that?” Bucky made his doll ask. 

“No! I’m playing!” Annie made the other doll say. Bucky squirmed nervously, twisting his back and hunching down. 

Annie put her hand on Bucky’s leg, soft and gentle, and asked in her normal voice, “what are we practicing?” 

“I wanta’ turn, please.” 

Annie smiled and nodded. 

She made the doll sigh put a big huffy breath and say, “I guess so, but only if I get another turn after.” 

“Thank you,” Bucky made his dolly say. Annie smiled at him. 

“Good job Bucky. Can you get a grown up doll out?” Bucky sighed a little bit. It wasn’t as fun playing with dolls when they had to do different scenes and Annie got to choose and he didn’t. But he was s’posed to be learning things in therapy, he knew that.

“Let’s pretend that your doll is in a cafe and he wants to order something to eat and something to drink.” Annie even had pretend little dolly menus which were kinda cool even though he knew he was gonna havta choose and then pretend order and he wasn’t sure about how he felt about any of that. 

Annie had his doll stand outside and then come in. She made a little beeping noise when the door opened and Bucky (and his doll) jumped. 

“Some stores have little alarms on their doors to tell them people came in. It doesn’t mean anything bad, it’s just the store saying hello.” 

Bucky chewed on his dog tags. But he really wanted his paci back and he didn’t want to play this pretend. He picked up his dolly again anyway and made it walk to the pretend counter. His dolly was actually pretty neat - Daddy had got dolls that hadda a lot of differences. They had lots of different colored skin and some had wheelchairs or hearing aids or canes. The doll Bucky was playin’ with only had one arm, just like him. He had a little cane he could use if he got wobbly. Bucky never got so wobbly he needed a cane, but his dolly did, sometimes. 

Bucky made the doll walk up to the little pretend counter. 

“Good morning!” Annie made the doll say cheerfully. Her voice was bright and a little too loud. “What can I get for you?”

Bucky hesitated, looking at the little dolly menu. There were three drink choices, but he wasn’t s’posed to have coffee or tea, especially when he was somewhere where it might be hard to get to the potty, cause it made him havta pee more. “Juice, please,” his dolly whispered. 

“Okey dokey!” Annie said in the same too-loud voice. “What kind of juice would you like?” 

Bucky panicked a little bit. It didn’t say what kind of juices there were on the menu. If it didn’t say how was he supposed to know? Bucky looked up at Annie with wide eyes, his words feeling all glued up. 

“Sometimes,” she said in her normal voice, “Stores don’t say all the types that have of one thing. What can you do if you don’t know?”

“Ask,” Bucky whispered. 

“Absolutely! If you’re getting juice, most places will have apple, so if you don’t think you’ll be able to remember all the choices, you can just ask for apple juice.” Bucky nodded, nibbling at his lip. He straightened his grasp on his dolly, so that his fingers weren’t twisty. 

“Apple juice, please.” 

“And anything to eat, sir?” Annie’s dolly asked. Bucky looked back at the menu. Food could sometimes be tricky, cause he didn’t really like everything and sometimes if food tasted different than he was expecting or had a weird texture, he couldn’t eat it. “A muffin, please.”

“And a name for that?”

Bucky’s heart did a little nervous skip. Why did they need his name? 

Annie looked at him all careful and said, “They ask your name so they can call you up when your order is ready.”

He nodded a little, but he still felt real nervous. What if they recognized him? Or what if they thought Bucky was a silly name? What if they laughed?

“M’Bucky,” he whispered. 

“Alright, that’ll be six dollars and seventy-six cents, sir.” Bucky pretended to have his dolly give the money to Annie’s dolly. Then he hadta talk to another dolly when his pretend food was all ready. He didn’t like it all. 

They played a couple more scenes. Some of them were outside things, like going to the grocery store or getting a book at the library. Those were really hard and scary cause Bucky didn’t like to think about going outside. But Annie didn’t make him play the part where they went from the inside to the outside, so it wasn’t as scary as it had been on Monday. They played some inside scenes too. Those weren’t as bad. They were still hard - he hadta ask Tony to be quiet and Clint to share and Bruce for a cup of juice - but they weren’t so bad, cause he wasn’t pretending about strangers. 

At the end they got play some games just from Bucky’s imagination and that was the best part. When their time was all done, Annie passed him his pacifier and gave him a hug, telling him he’d done really really good. 

That made Bucky feel all warm and happy. He waved goodbye to Annie and Thor came back into the living room. 

“How was your appointment, little one?” Thor asked, crouching down by Bucky with a big smile. 

“S’okay.” Bucky started to climb out of his heavy blanket and that’s when he noticed his pull up was wet. His face went white and then red and his breath started coming really fast cause he hadn’t even known he’d gone pee. Usually he at least felt it when he went and it was real scary that he hadn’t. He looked up at Thor and burst into tears. 

“Oh little one, whatever is the matter?” But Bucky couldn’t tell. He didn’t want Thor to know what had happened so he backed up away from Thor who looked like he might give him a hug. 

“Daddy!” He said. “Need Daddy!”

Daddy was the only one who could make this better. Thor was all frowny and worried looking but he asked JARVIS to get Daddy to “come at once” and he didn’t try to get close to Bucky. Bucky still felt like hiding, just in case he could tell what happened, so he went to curl up in Daddy’s closet. Thor followed him but didn’t try to touch him or stop him. 

“James, it shall be alright. Your father will be here any moment.” 

Thor was right cause the next thing Bucky heard was the door opening and Daddy calling his name, sounding worried and afraid. Bucky felt bad that he’d made Daddy feel that way but he couldn’t make himself leave the closet or even make any words at all. But Thor called Daddy in and then straight away left so they could have privacy. As soon as Bucky heard the door close he scooted out of the closet. 

“What happened baby?” Daddy asked. 

Bucky blushed and new tears came into his eyes. “I hadda’ccident and I didn’t know at all til long time after and what if it’s getting worser Daddy. What if I dunno at all when I gotta or when I go or…” 

Daddy lifted Bucky up and cradled him close. 

“Oh buddy. I can see why that was scary. But I don’t think anything is getting worse. I think your brain was probably real busy with your work with Annie, cause it’s a new kind of work. And sometimes your body is more confused than other times. Isaac told us that it’s normal for your awareness to change from day to day.”

“But it wasn’t bad day, Daddy! Body was good and words were good.”

“I know it usually goes all together,” Daddy soothed. He stood up and rocked Bucky a little as he walked over to the bed. Daddy lay him down and rubbed his belly. “But sometimes your words are tangled up and your body is good or sometimes it’s just your legs that get confused and your arm is really good. I think that can probably happen with your inside parts too.”

Bucky thought about that. Daddy was right that Bucky’s body was different all the time. Sometimes things were really good and sometimes things were really bad and sometimes some things were good and some things were bad. He  _ had  _ been really focused on Annie’s games and that prob’ly a good thing. 

“Next time I’ll go potty first,” he said after a minute while Daddy started to change him. 

“Good idea, baby.” Daddy smiled real big and blew a raspberry on Bucky’s belly. 

Bucky laughed until he forgot all about being upset. 

*

It wasn’t Clint’s day to be little, but he was just feelin’ a little small in his head, so he headed up to see Steve and Bucky. That was part of the deal, with Phil and all. If he needed to be little he could go be little with Steve, even if it wasn’t planned. And now that Thor had watched him, Clint could even go be little with Thor and Bucky if Steve was busy. It was a pretty good arrangement. 

Clint wasn’t exactly sure what had him feelin’ little. It had been a good day, and a good week, and usually he only needed to be little more if he was stressed ‘bout somethin’. But it had actually been a really good week. Maybe he just felt like seeing Bucky and Steve. 

Slipping through Steve’s front door, Clint looked around for his daddy. 

“Clint?” Daddy asked from the door to the kitchen. He was wiping his hands on a dishcloth and the apartment smelled all warm and yeasty. Daddy was prob’ly making bread. 

“Was feelin’ little,” Clint said, moving a little closer. His headspace was hovering in between, just in case Steve didn’t have the time or Bucky was having a bad day. 

But Steve smiled real big and came up to squish him into a tight hug, saying, “Well, I’m always glad to see my sweet boy.” Clint hummed and cuddled a little closer. Daddy lifted him up and swayed back and forth a little. Clint rested his head on Daddy’s shoulder while he was carried into the living room. They sat in the big armchair together, Clint curled up in Daddy’s lap. 

“How’s your week going, baby?” 

“Good,” Clint murmured. Bucky must have been sleepin’, since Daddy didn’t seem worried that he wasn’t there. It was after lunch time, which was a usual time for a nap. Clint was a little sleepy, but he didn’t need a nap today. He’d only just got little. It would be silly to waste it by sleepin’. He just hadta make sure that Daddy didn’t think he was tired. 

“Yeah? Did you do anything special?”

Clint had done lotsa special things this week. Now that Tasha knew more ‘bout him bein’ little and Phil understood more about his accidents, he felt a lot better with them and that meant he felt good spendin’ lots of time with them. He tried to think of the things he wanted to tell Daddy. 

"Hadda date with Phil for lunch and we went to m'favorite and Phil lemme wear a pull up cause I was nervous and that was really nice." Clint had been real worried about that, even though it hadn’t even been his idea. He was still havin’ more accidents, caus’a when Tasha found out and also cause he had another mission coming up that he was worried about. But Phil had wanted to do somethin’ nice for him, and Clint had wanted to go to his favorite restaurant for lots of yummy food. He’d gotten real nervous before, though, and tried to go t’the bathroom lots before they left and Phil noticed and said that if it would make Clint feel better, he could wear protection. Clint felt kinda weird about it, but he hadn’t worried about havin’ an accident while they were out, not at all, and it was nice not to worry.

"That is really nice," Daddy agreed. Clint smiled into Daddy's chest and cuddled as close as he could get. Daddy had helped with all of that, had helped Phil understand and things with Phil felt a lot better, like Clint didn’t havta hide his accidents from him. 

"An Tasha and I went to the gym together t'practice and then we watched a movie and got food and then she read to me, for a little bit." Things were better with Tasha too. They were real friends again and they did a lotta the things they usta do and that felt good. It was nice to have a big friend aside from Bucky. 

Clint could feel Daddy smiling into his hair. He tilted his head up to look at Daddy's smile - it was the real big one he got when he was happy because Bucky or Clint was happy. This one was special, though, cause Daddy also said, "I'm so proud of you, baby. I know it was really hard to work on your friendship with Tasha and you were so, so brave."

Clint blushed a little. He hadn't felt very brave, but if Daddy said he was then he must have been. He was glad it had happened, anyway, even though it had been scary at first. 

“Have you had lunch yet, lovebug?” Daddy asked. Clint shook his head. He’d had breakfast, but that had been a  _ long  _ time ago. “You want some tomato soup? And a grilled cheese?” 

“Yuhuh! On Daddy bread?” Daddy chuckled and stood up, keeping Clint right in his arms. It was nice that Daddy was so strong, that he could carry Clint and Bucky.  

“That bread’s still cookin’. Maybe later.” Clint sighed a little and then had to hide his face in Daddy’s shoulder when his sigh turned into a yawn. Clint sat at the table and colored while Daddy made his lunch, but he got to sit on Daddy’s lap when he was eating, which was nice. But then, after Daddy had cleaned Clint’s face and hands, Daddy picked him up and said, “Time for a nap, buddy.”

“Nuhuh!” Clint whined. He didn’t want a nap. He wanted to stay up and play with Daddy. “Don’t wanna!” 

Daddy turned him so they could look right at each other. “I think a nap is a good idea. And then we can play with Bucky when you both wake up.”

Clint pouted and shook his head. 

“Yes, baby. I know we’ve been skipping naps on Fridays and that’s a special thing, but the rule is that you take a nap in the afternoon.”

“No!” 

“It’s not up for debate, bud. I’m sorry that you don’t want to take a nap. When we go into the bedroom, I need you to be quiet because Bucky is still sleeping. No one is going to be happy if he gets woken up early.” 

Clint frowned and glared at Daddy’s chest. He didn’t wanna take a nap but he wasn’t gonna wake his brother up. That was sneaky of Daddy, to take him into the bedroom so that Clint couldn’t argue and had to be quiet and still so Bucky could sleep. He kept his glare on, though, just so Daddy knew exactly how he felt. Daddy helped him put comfier clothes on, and a pull up. It was dark in the bedroom, cause the shades were closed and all the lights were off, except their nightlight. Bucky was curled up in the middle of the bed, sucking on his pacifier. He opened his eyes a little when Daddy lay Clint down next to him, but he just snuggled closer to Clint and went back to sleep. Bucky was warm and heavy and his breathing was quiet and snuffly and it all made Clint start feelin’ pretty sleepy. 

Daddy got him his blankie and sat next to him and rubbed his back, telling him the story about the dinosaur that went to outerspace. Clint fell asleep sometime after the dinosaur got to Mars, he wasn’t real sure. 

*

On Friday, Bucky got to bring Clint to OT. He hadn’t been able to talk about anything but on Thursday, which Steve thought was pretty freaking cute, he wasn't gonna lie.

Given the level of excitement, Steve was a little wary about leaving Bucky during team training. High levels of emotion were hard for Bucky, and he tended to get little to deal with them. But Steve knew that JARVIS would let him know if Bucky needed him. They finished training a little early, so that Steve could get Clint ready. Both of his boys had been clear that they wanted to be little for this, so he brought a change of clothes and a pull up for Clint. 

Also waiting at the bottom of the bag were swimsuits for both boys. He hadn't told them but for the second half of OT they were going to use the pool. After Bucky's OT session was officially done, Steve imagined the boys might want to stay for a while - if Bucky could stay awake, that was. Looking forward to springing that surprise on his boys, Steve helped Clint slip into his pull up and a pair of sweats. Clint, who'd been all excitement this week, started to get shy as he dressed. Steve couldn't say he wasn't expecting it. While Bucky got nervous around people in general, it was relatively easy for him to share his little side. Clint liked people - liked making new friends and connecting and was sociable as an adult and a little boy, but it was very difficult for him to share his little self with someone new. 

"What if Isaac doesn't like me?" Clint asked, voice small, as Steve did up his laces. Bucky was still outside, watching an aquarium live stream on his tablet, and waiting patiently for them 

"How could anyone not like you, hmm?" Steve asked in return, hugging Clint tight. "You're such a wonderful little boy and a fantastic brother." At times like this, it was never the right strategy to point out that Clint was Hawkeye - that literally millions of people thought of him as a hero. That wasn't the point. Clint was afraid that people wouldn't like who he was at his core. Steve straightened one of Clint's many "big brother" t-shirts and kissed his forehead. 

"Isaac is going to love you and we're going to have so much fun."

"Okay Daddy." 

Still, Clint stayed plastered to his side as they left the bathroom. Bucky, now little, was shyly showing Isaac the video on his tablet. Isaac was commenting thoughtfully and Bucky was smiling bashfully. Steve grinned. 

"Good morning Isaac!" He said cheerfully. "How are you today?"

"I'm good, thanks! Hi Clint! How are you?" Clint shrugged a little and grabbed a fistful of Steve's t-shirt. 

"Clint's feeling just a little shy," Steve said softly. Bucky started packing his stuff up, which mostly meant dumping everything he'd taken out back into the backpack and half zipping it up. He hurried over and took Steve's hand, as though Clint's shyness was making him question his own social interactions with Isaac. It likely was, Steve thought. Bucky took a lot of his cues from Clint, no matter his mental age. 

"That's alright. We don't really know each other yet, do we?" Isaac said, smiling gently at Clint. Clint just shrugged again so Isaac turned his attention back to Bucky. "How do you want to start OT today, kiddo? Ball pit or coloring?" They were trying pretty hard to get Bucky to color during OT. Steve had given Isaac samples of Bucky's drawing and writing, and Isaac was concerned about Bucky's fine motor skills, but Bucky just straight refused to color or write in front of Isaac. 

"Ball pit," Bucky said, reaching for his chewie. Steve suppressed a sigh. He knew it would take time. He knew it was one of the things that really bothered Bucky. Bucky used to have beautiful handwriting, before everything. He'd earned it the hard way - with raps over the knuckles by stern nuns when he was sloppy, and he'd been proud of it, writing long, elaborate love letters to girls he was wooing. 

Steve breathed and put the memories out of mind, focused back on his boys. As they entered the OT room, Clint stilled. 

"Wow!" He breathed, face brightening. "This is cool!"

"It is, isn't it buddy?" Steve asked. "We're gonna start in the ball pit over there, you wanna go check it out?" 

"Yuhuh!" Clint ran over at full speed and launched himself into the ball pit. Steve rolled his eyes and turned to find Bucky to help him in, only to find Bucky determinedly scrabbling over the edge of the pit. He sort of rolled over the top and landed in the balls somewhat abruptly, but he'd done it. Steve exchanged a wide eyed glance and grin with Isaac. This was already working out better than anticipated. If Clint could encourage Bucky to try more things he usually refused to do - well, that would be amazing. Bucky had always been stubborn. That wasn't a problem, necessarily, but when he decided he wasn't going to do something it could be very difficult to change his mind. 

Steve helped Isaac set up an obstacle course while the boys played in the ball pit. When Steve coaxed his boys out, Clint ran straight to the beginning of the course, bouncing excitedly. Bucky was much more wary as Isaac explained what they had to do. When Isaac asked Bucky if he wanted to give it a try, he shrunk back into Steve and shook his head. 

"C'mon Bucky," Clint said, bright eyed, before Steve could say anything, "It'll be fun! We can pretend we're astronauts and we just gotted to Mars and there's a jungle that we gotta go through to get to the treasure on the other side!"

"There is a surprise for you guys, after OT," Steve added softly. Bucky bit his lip but nodded. Steve and Isaac had Bucky go first - he'd only lose confidence if he saw how much better at this Clint was than him. The first part required Bucky to jump over some low hurdles - jumping was hard and Bucky tended to step instead of jump. But he tried today - his cheeks pinking with exertion. From there, there was a tunnel, a short climb on the rock wall (Steve spotted Bucky for that, and Bucky didn't manage it all, but that was alright. Last time they'd tried the rock wall, Bucky had gotten his feet off the ground and started to cry.) Bucky's favorite part was the texture crawl, where he crawled across different surfaces on his belly. Not surprisingly, Bucky skipped the swing and went straight for the body sock. 

In another positive outcome of having Clint there, Bucky was talked into going through the obstacle course two more times before wandering over to the fine motor activities that Isaac had set up for him. Steve left Isaac and Bucky to it, and encouraged Clint to try everything that appealed to him. He couldn’t exactly take his boys to the playground, though he knew Clint would love it if they could. This was as close as they were gonna get. Clint easily clambered to the top of the rock wall, and swung across the monkey bars, and scaled the ladder to the top of the platform. 

It hurt a little, seeing how able Clint was. Steve knew that Clint was physically gifted, of course, but he knew that more as his team leader than as his daddy, and seeing it then and there just reminded him of how limited Bucky actually was. 

Clint was spinning in the swing when Bucky came up to him and lifted his arm to be carried. 

"Hey baby," he said softly, kissing Bucky's cheek. "Did you have fun with Isaac?"

"Yuhuh. He says time for our s'prise."

"Oh yeah?" Steve grinned and called Clint over. Clint came dashing over, a huge grin on his face. "You guys ready for your surprise?"

"Yeah! Surprise!" Clint cheered. 

"Isaac and I thought it would be fun if we did a little swimming today. How does that sound?"

Both boys perked right up. 

"Swim please!" Bucky said excitedly. It was still one of his favorites during OT, despite his fears in the water. 

"I wanna play in the pool!" Clint agreed hurriedly. Then he frowned. "I don't gotta swimsuit though!"

"Good thing I brought one for you. Let's all go get changed and then we can go play in the water, okay?" Steve glanced up at Isaac, who nodded. Steve gathered up the bag he'd brought and carried his boys into the bathroom. He pulled out some sippy cups of water and encouraged the boys to drink a few sips while he unpacked the swimsuits. He’d packed Bucky’s preferred Nemo suit and swim shirt and had found swim trunks patterned with sharks that Clint could wear big or little. 

“Let’s go potty before you change into your swimsuits, okay?” Steve coaxed. Clint nodded, setting down his sippy cup and immediately wiggling out of his pants and underwear, leaving them in a pile on the ground. Steve smiled fondly and folded the items up, tucking them into the bag. Bucky, on the other hand, was standing there, wiggling nervously. 

“Are you okay, baby?” Steve asked, stepping closer. 

Bucky shrugged and then mumbled, “M’wet.”

“That’s okay, roo,” Steve said, though he was searching his mind for clues to when Bucky had peed. These days Bucky was pretty good about letting him know when he had to go or if he’d had an accident. Belatedly he realized that Bucky usually went to the bathroom when Steve came to fetch him for OT. Today they hadn’t done that. Steve gave himself a mental smack over the head. 

“I was playin’ with Isaac and you were with Clinty…” Bucky explained, lips twisting unhappily.

“Oh, buddy. You can always come get me, whenever you need me, for any reason, okay?” Bucky nodded, but he kept his eyes fixed on the ground. “Now let’s get you cleaned up so we can all go have some fun in the pool, hmm?” Steve gently tugged Bucky’s pants down and ripped the sides of the pull up so he could pull it out from between Bucky’s legs. He tossed the soiled garment and fetched some wipes from the bag, quickly cleaning his boy up. 

“Do you want to use the potty before we put on your swimsuit?” 

“Yuhuh,” Bucky mumbled, shuffling over to the toilet. 

“I’m ready Daddy!” Clint said cheerfully, bouncing over, naked from the waist down. Steve rolled his eyes and grabbed Clint’s swimsuit and held it out for him to step into. Standing up, Steve pulled Clint’s shirt over his head. He paused while the shirt was covering Clint’s face and bent down and blew a quick raspberry on his boy’s tummy. Clint squirmed and giggled, protesting “Daddy!” with a shriek. Bucky, still sitting on the toilet, laughed and Steve sent him a little wink. 

“Clinty, your brother has a swim shirt that he wears in the pool. I have one for you if you’d like it,” Steve offers, holding up the plain blue swim shirt. He’d had Bucky’s swimsuit specially made, because he had really wanted swimming to be a successful activity for Bucky. He wasn’t sure if swimming was going to be a regular thing for Clint or not, so he hadn’t invested in full out little gear yet. 

“Okay!” Clint said cheerfully, holding his arms up so that Steve could guide the shirt over his head. Once the shirt was in place, Steve pressed a quick kiss to Clint’s forehead. 

“Why don’t you finish your water, lovebug, while I get your brother dressed.” Clint nodded agreeably and settled down on the floor with his water while Steve got Bucky dressed. There was a quickly fading bruise on Bucky’s stomach from when he’d levered himself into the ball pit and Steve kissed it, making Bucky blush and squirm. After his boys were seen to, Steve relieved himself and got dressed (Clint said something giggly about Daddy going potty to Bucky and Steve rolled his eyes fondly. He really did love his little boys). 

All three of them dressed, he crouched down by his boys. “Now Clint, I want you to remember that Bucky doesn’t like water on his face. So in the pool, we have to be careful not to splash him. If you do want to splash or jump, you can do that in the deep end, okay?” 

Bucky blushed, but Clint said, “Yuhuh Daddy! Dun’wanna scare Bucky!” 

“You’re a good brother,” Steve praised and Clint grinned happily. “Now, who’s ready for some swimming?”

“Me!” His boys chorused. 

Swimming proved to be just as much of a hit with Clint as it was with Bucky, which was no great surprise to Steve. Of course, Clint mostly wanted to jump into the water and splash about. This turned out to be somewhat problematic as Bucky wasn’t yet confident enough in the water that Steve could leave him alone with Isaac. Clint also didn’t want to be left alone to play, not because of fear so much, but because, “It’s no fun b’myself Daddy!” 

Next time, Steve thought to himself, he would have to bring Thor along. Clint was finally convinced to come play quietly for a while with Bucky. Bucky showed off his floating and Clint oohed and ahhed, making Bucky blush and squirm with happiness. Both boys liked holding onto the edge of the pool and kicking and Bucky even agreed, after a demonstration from Clint, to try a kickboard with Steve hovering nearby. 

When Isaac called an end to OT, Bucky gave him a hug goodbye, causing Isaac to give Steve a soft and surprised smile. Steve grinned. He knew that Bucky was becoming attached to Isaac, but it was nice that Bucky could really show it in a way that Isaac could understand and appreciate.

“M’sleepy,” Bucky told Steve once Isaac had changed, packed up his stuff, and left. 

Steve nodded. That wasn’t exactly a surprise. He thought quickly for a moment - Clint was still bouncing around in the pool, taking great pleasure in splashing and making waves now that Bucky was out of the way. “How about we sit and watch your brother jump into the pool for a little bit and then we can all go up for some lunch and a nap, hmm?” 

“Okay Daddy,” Bucky agreed. Steve got settled leaning against a wall, Bucky curled up in his lap and encouraged Clint to do his most ridiculous, splash inducing jumps. Bucky giggled and clapped for his brother while Clint yelled “Daddy watch me! Look at this!” Steve smiled and cheered. Clint only lasted ten minutes more than Bucky did, though he didn’t admit to any sleepiness, just came over for “a little rest, Daddy.”

“I think we should all go on upstairs now,” Steve said, scooping both boys up into his arms and having Clint grab the bag by leaning him over the seat where Steve had left it. 

“I wanna swim more, Daddy!” Clint whined. 

“We can come back another time,” Steve promised, “But I think we all need a break now.” Clint pouted a little, but didn’t argue. 

Back in his rooms, Steve bathed, fed, and tucked in his boys in quick succession. Bucky was always exhausted after OT, and Clint had training before OT, never mind the stress that came from being little with someone new. 

Steve was looking forward to a nice quiet weekend with his boys. Between Bucky’s diagnoses and Clint’s recent difficulties with missions it felt like he’d been putting out fires for weeks. He really needed a weekend just to take care of his babies. Steve sometimes forgot that he needed this as much as his boys did - the quiet times with simple problems and simple solutions, and the heady pleasure of being able to take of someone and make things easier for them. 

The quiet domestic times were just as important as the time they spent figuring out problems or learning skills or building relationships. Sometimes cuddles and playing and loving each other was the best kind of therapy. 

Yeah, Steve decided, that was exactly what they all needed. 

_ fin. _

  
  
  


**Author's Note:**

> Hi all! Lots of notes this time. 
> 
> If you are curious about Bucky's diagnoses, OT, or other meta on this update, see [this tumblr post](https://imdefinitelyyourcat.tumblr.com/post/153324646019/hey-lets-go-dancin). I am by no means an expert on any of the things discussed here in. If I've gotten something wrong, please let me know and I will do my best to correct it! 
> 
> I know a lot of you are waiting for more little!Clint and are probably disappointed by his absence in this story. I promise that the next update will be Clint-centric. 
> 
> If you've been following the APSHDS-ENAC crossover, this is a reminder that you will now need to subscribe to that separately from the series. 
> 
> As always, thanks for reading!


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